Sometimes....

I am not in a good place right now. Sometimes I really just want to give up. I try very hard and don't seem to make progress. Am I perfect, no. Do I make mistakes, yes. I am trying, I truly am.  It is not easy being an overweight person. I am tired of being overweight. I am sick of the stigma that comes with it and the ridicule. Just last week one of my students told me that when I lift my arms, they laugh about how it looks like I have bean bags hanging from my arms. Nice right? Just what a person wants to hear about themselves.

I have decided that I am going to have to try harder in my life. If I have to run myself into the ground, I will in order to succeed. I am not going to fail at this.

Inspirations

I have made no secret that one of my personal heroes is Eleanor Roosevelt.  I think I like her so much, because she pretty much defined herself.  I have always wanted to define myself and never really had the faith or courage to do so.  I found this site, 31 Days of Daily Inspiration for women.  As I was looking at it, I was struck by how true many of these saying are and how they apply to me and my struggle and journey.

"We gain strength, courage and confidence every time we look fear in the face. We must do that which we think we cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt.  A couple of years ago, they sent a flyer around school for a free trial boot camp, not Camp Gladiator.  Some coworkers said I should try it.  I told them I was going to die if I did that.  I was so out of shape that I could not possibly be able to take on something like that.  While part of that was true, the real truth was that I was terrified of trying anything like that.  I was afraid of what I would look like trying to do it and embarrassing myself.  Funny, because these days, you cannot keep me away from camp.

"Don't give up the search for happiness because you're afraid of getting hurt."  Martha Raye Where was this quote when I was younger?  I lived in constant fear of getting hurt or rejected, so I just gave up trying.  I was also brought up to believe that I was not good enough to be happy.  Nothing I did was good enough or just "enough."  I have since learned that was all a big lie.  I can honestly say that I am happy.  I have a great job, friends, family and support system around me.  I am making myself a better person.  Do I have down and sad days?  Of course, but they are lessening and not nearly as severe as they used to be.

"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me."  Ayn Rand  Amen, amen, amen!  If you know me, I mean truly know me, you know that once my mind is set, there is no going back.  I did however spend a great deal of time in my life, hiding my true self because I let people influence and stop me.  I was afraid of making them mad or disappointing them, so I just because a little robot and did whatever they told me too.  To compensate for that, I was eating like crazy.  I figured that was the one thing I could control.  The funny thing was, it ended up controlling me.  When I finally realized, in my early 30's, that I was my own person and could use my voice, I did.  No longer do I let people tell me what to do.  If I do not want to do it, I am not going too.  Since my mind is set on this journey, you are not going to be able to stop me.  I will have setbacks, but no stopping now.

So I guess, I have reached the end of this post for today.  I am not finished by any means, but for today I am.  I will leave you with this bit of inspiration.  "You are your best thing."  Toni Morrison.  Remember peeps, and self, that you are beautiful, worthy, loved and capable and you are the best thing about you.

Peace out peeps.  I got some inspiring to do.

What a last two weeks.

Ok, ok, I admit it.  I am a stress eater.  I try really hard to keep it under control, but the beginning of school always gets me.  First, I have to sit in days worth of meetings and trainings.  I am not used to this, I need to be active.  I hate having to sit there and listen to other people tell me things that I may already know.  Also, teachers are the worst students.  They act in a way that you would never accept from a student.  Second, these meeting make me tense and I just want to crawl inside my little turtle shell.  Lastly, although I am fairly flexible and will go with the flow, I work with people who are not.  The complaining really gets to me.

All of these things together, stress me out and I shove food down my mouth as quickly as I can.  I always feel guilty about it afterward.  It really makes me dislike myself when I do it.  I feel as though I have failed somehow.  I will even eat things that I don't like, with the exception of green beans, just to satisfy my need to eat.  The sad thing is, if I was a drinker, I could hide that.  If I was on drugs, I could hide that.  As an eater, that I cannot hide.  You can see it.  People look down on you for that.  It is sad that those vices are perceived as more acceptable than being heavy.

I was not able to work out as much as I would have liked this last week.  I had work responsibilities that kept me from working out.  I hated it.  I miss my friends, I missed my trainer, and I missed the release of stress that comes over me when I work out.  I will have to find someway to replace that when I cannot get to camp.

Lastly, sometimes I really don't like how people see me.  I went on Saturday to two different sporting goods stores to buy new weights for camp.  When a fluffy woman walks in , they don't want to help you and look at you like why are you here?  I walked in and one guy said, they are over there.  As I was walking over there, another employee acted shocked to see me in a store.  What?!?  Not everybody is a size 2.  I cannot wait to go back there and have a Pretty Woman scene to all that wouldn't help me.

Okay enough venting.  I am having a great first week of school.  I am still trying to get back into the routine and learn all the kids names.  I think some of them think I am a bit crazy, but that is a good thing right?

So I am going to try to stay as stress free as possible and keep from stress eating.  I hope you will help to keep me accountable.

Peace out peeps.  I hope you all have a great week.  Me, I am going to keep moving forward and not looking back.