Sometimes I wonder

Get ready to swim Peeps, this might get deep.

Most of the time, I am happy being single with no children.  Sometimes though......  Sometimes I wonder what it is about me that makes me so repellant to the opposite sex.  What is it about me that makes no man want to have a conversation with me.  Just a good conversation and some laughs it that too much to ask?

See when I was growing up, I was never taught to value myself.  I was always supposed to find value in how I was related to other people, never for my own accomplishments.  I was always "so and so's daughter, granddaughter, niece, etc...."  I was never allowed to be just me.  Maybe that is what is wrong with me today, I am not sure.

I stayed in a bad relationship for too long because I was afraid of hitting my late 30's and 40's and being alone.  I also liked the idea of having a person just because.  It ultimately was not fair to him or me to be in a relationship when I had stopped caring a long time before the end.  For that I am sorry.

Now as I look back at my life, I would have liked to have had a child or two.  I think I probably would have been a good and caring mom.  I will not have that chance now.  My eggs have probably dried up and floated away.

I would like to have a companion though.  Someone to talk too, laugh with, go on hikes or even runs with.  Someone who if I read something in a book, I can tell them all about it.  Someone who I can share my crazy student stories with.  I really don't think that is too much to ask.

People tell me all the time that the right one will show up, well what if he shows up after I am dead?  I guess since I am working out and eating right, I should live long enough to have a supercharged scooter and I can chase the young dudes down the street when I am old. LOL

I guess what I am saying is, it would be nice if even for a little while, I had someone to share my life with.

Peace out Peeps I have a scooter to research.

it's been a while....

Okay peeps, I am back.  I am sorry that I was away for so long, but I have been depressed ever since my other boyfriend, Benedict Cumberbatch, got engaged.  I will get through this though.


As I look back on 2014, I know that I have grown a lot as a person.  I set goals and achieved them.  I also set some goals and failed, NO, I just have not achieved them yet.  You see, most of the time I think of myself as a weak person.  Not physically weak or mentally weak, but emotionally weak.  If I feel I cannot achieve what it is I have set my mind too, then I feel like a failure.  I then beat myself up for not being the strong person that I thought I was.  This is stinkin thinkin.  I know it, but have to get past it.

 A friend of mine once told me that I was one of the strongest people that she knew.  She had no idea what storm was raging on the inside.  I am not, by nature a whiner.  I do complain sometimes, but mostly out of frustration with people.  I learned a long time ago to shut myself off emotionally, that way you can never get hurt.  When I have told people some of the thoughts that run through my head, or the "tape" that plays in my head of things that have been said to me, people are shocked that I am able to function as well as I do.  I think it would be easy to see how it could break a weaker person.

Someone I met recently had me sit down and talk to her about various things.  She then told me that I had several strengths that I had never thought of.  This got me to thinking about how strong I truly am.  I am not talking about being able to flip a tire and other feats of strength.  I am talking about actual mental and emotional strength.

I put myself through college. Strength
I came out of my childhood without turning to alcohol or drugs. Strength
I have great and caring friends. Strength
I have a tremendous support system: CG, family, friends, students, etc...  Strength
I am independent. Strength

When I started looking at things like this, I realized I am one tough cookie.  Do I still struggle? Absolutely.  Am I working on things to help make me better? Absolutely.  Yes, there will be times when I fall apart.  Yes, there will be times when I fail, but I know that I can keep working on it and at it, because I am stronger than I ever knew I was.

Peace out Peeps.  I have some work to do, these emotional muscles will not build themselves.