It used to and I guess sometimes still does bother me.

I have always been what I considered fluffy.  Even when I was at my thinnest, size 8, I felt like I was an enormous cow.  I know it is completely ridiculous, but it is the truth.  Now, I would kill to be a size 8.  You see even though I was athletic, active, smart and popular in high school, I always wanted something that I could not attain, perfection.  This led to some of my self esteem issues.  Even with friends who adored me, I always felt alone.  When I got to college, I had to work full time and go to school full time.  This did not leave much time to be active and so I gained lots of weight.

If I am being completely honest though, I think one reason that I gained so much weight is that I used it as a shield to protect me from people.  It worked in a good and bad way.  You see I am an introvert.  This does not mean that I do not like people, or do not talk to people, I just feel better being inside my hamster ball.  I love my friends and I love to laugh and have a great time, the problem lies when I have to go alone into groups of people.  That is when I become a turtle so to speak.  With the weight piling on, I felt secure that people could not get to me.  It was like my armor in a way.

The thing is that it worked too well sometimes.  Sad to say when some people see a fluffy person, they ignore, avoid, or disregard them.  I am a person, I have feelings.  I also have a wicked sense of humor once you get to know me.  But if all you see is the outside, then you never get to know me.  This led me to be alone for most of my adult life.

Up until last year, I did not wear bright colors.  I did not want to draw attention to myself.  I tried to blend into the background and be unseen.  You see I was uncomfortable with myself.  I did not like myself very much because of the weight I had piled on.  It is hard to realize what it limits you to doing when you are big.  Getting down in the floor takes effort, climbing anything scares me, and you get winded just walking in the store.  I reached a point where I could not do it any more.

I used to never show my arms in public.  They are flabby and covered in stretch marks.  This used to really bother me.  I guess I thought that if people saw my arms, they would think I was fat.  Well I guess the rest of me did not say that just the arms.  Since I have been on my journey to wellness, I let the arms fly.  I have worked out in tank tops, worn sleeveless shirts, and my sundresses without a shrug.  My arms are still flabby and they are still covered in stretch marks, but they are shrinking and I am developing muscles in them.  Now I look at them as a badge of pride.  Yes they are not going to be on the cover of any magazine, but they are mine.  You either like them or you don't.  Funny and true story.  I had a student in the 6th grade that I really enjoyed, it was like we had the same sense of humor.  Anyway when he was in the 8th grade, I was wearing a dress with a shrug on top.  "Ms. Strickland, that is a lovely ensemble you have on."  "Thanks, I wear the sweater because I have fat arms.  I am trying to hide them."  "You have lovely arms.  Some people even like fat arms, they find them attractive."  Nothing like a kid to change your view on something.

I guess my point is this, I am starting to become comfortable with myself.  I am who I am and you can like it or not.

Peace out peeps.  I am getting ready to take my arms to workout and let them feel the fresh air.

Keep on trucking.

Hello Peeps, I am sorry I have been away so long.  The end of school was crazy for me and I have taken time to just relax.  Now down to business.

How have you spend your summer?  Well I have been working out in the heat and the sun.  I have also been walking with my buddies.  If you had told me a year ago, that I would WILLINGLY workout for an hour in the heat everyday, I would have said you are nuts.  I am doing it though and I love every minute of it.  I have a great support system and cheerleaders who keep me accountable and keep me motivated.

One problem I have with summer is that I get bored.  Don't get me wrong, I look forward to the end of school just like the kids, but I like and need the routine.  What happens is that when I am not in my routine, I get bored.  When I get bored I want to do one of two things: spend money or eat.  I am working very hard on both.  Since this blog is about my journey, I will talk about the food part.

Over the past year, I have learned new ways to eat.  It is not always easy and sometimes I go off the rails and cheat.  I feel pretty bad when I cheat while I am doing it and then after.  You see food has always been my friend.  It is hard to let go of that friendship. I am finding though that for the most part the foods that I used to crave, I don't anymore.  Also, I think about how hard I will have to work to get rid of what I have eaten.

When I get bored, I eat.  To help me with that part, I have started keeping fruit, yogurt, and healthier snacks in the house.  If I don't have the junk, I can't eat the junk.  I also drink lots and lots and lots of water.  You cannot snack doing that unless you want to snack in the bathroom. lol.

When I get bored, I exercise.  I know it is a shocker for those that know me, but I love to exercise now.  I still hate running, I have not gone crazy.  If it were not for exercise, I am not sure I could have made it this far.  I love CG!  I also love to go on walks with buddies.  It is great to be with a friend and walk and talk about your day.  I have seen ducks, snacks, scorpions, etc....  It is like a mini adventure each time.

Now I know you may be thinking that you are not fit enough to exercise.  HELLO!!!!!  That is how you get fit by exercising.  I cannot do everything.  I am slower than most in my group, but I AM OUT THERE!  I am doing it and getting faster, better, stronger, and sexier everyday.  You don't have to be great or in great shape, just start.

If you ever need someone to walk with, talk with or ask questions to, I am here.  I have been there, I am still there, and I will finish this race.

Peace out Peeps.  I have to get to bed early, I have great things to do tomorrow.