And now for something completely different...

Okay peeps, since last week's blog was pretty heavy, I decided to do something different and funny.  At least I think it is funny.

How my cat is like a teenage girl!

1.   They both ignore me. I cannot tell you the number of times one of my students has ignored me.  I also cannot tell you how many times my cat has ignored me.  "Bailey, want a treat?" Nothing. "Bailey, want a toy?" Nothing.  She will come running though if I open a window or run the can opener.

2.   They both talk back.  Many times I will be on the phone, asleep, playing on the computer, or just trying to relax and I start to hear "Meow," "Meow," "Meow,"  When I tell her to stop and leave me alone, it becomes louder and more persistent.  I think sometimes I have even heard a kitty curse word or two.

3.  They both hate me.  Now since I got Bailey when she was 8 years old and not a kitten, I have always felt that maybe she did not really bond with me like my last cat.  While at times I think oh she really seems to like having me around, other times, usually when it is 2 in the morning, I feel two beady eyes staring at me like I hate you.  As much as I try to be good to her, I always feel a bit disconnected.

4.  They only want me around when it is inconvienent to me.  When I am asleep, in the bathroom, watching tv or heaven forbid reading a book, that is the only time she really seems to want my attention.  My tv remote has two teeth marks from where she has bitten the remote.  If I am reading on my NOOK, she will bite it and try to know it out of my hands.  She will sit in front of the bathroom door and watch me go to the bathroom.  Every morning, around 2 am, she wakes me up to make sure I know she is there.  Then I have to get up, walk to her food dish, point and tell her she has food, and then I can go back to sleep.

5.  They both want me dead.  Okay so maybe not the teenagers, but the cat, I know for sure.  Have you ever felt like you were being watched?  Have you ever felt that at any moment the world could come crashing down?  Well I live with that everyday.  Some mornings I wake up and find her staring at me.  Some times she is sitting in the floor staring at me.  She likes to play with emory boards. Why?  To sharpen her claws for when she decides to go for the jugular.  She even likes to do what they call "kneading biscuits" on different parts of my body. Why?  To see which parts are the fleshiest to see what to eat first when she does me in.  I feel like she has been plotting my death for a while now and if I die under mysterious circumstances, check the cat for DNA! 

 I hope you have enjoyed this, I thought it was funny, comparison.

Peace out Peeps.  I have to go and lock up the knives and scissors just in case.

Here is your notice.

First I want to start off by saying that the opinions, feelings and truths in this blog are mine.  I feel them, I experienced them and I lived them.  I am in no way saying that I was perfect, but in order for me to let the little girl inside of me heal, I have to release what is  holding her inside.

To Whom It May Concern:

Your words, thoughts and ideas have lived inside my brain for too long.  I was not being my true self, because I was trying to live up to ideals that I now realize I will never meet.  I remember some things very vividly, as if they happened only yesterday.  Some things are fleeting glimpses and other are triggered by smells, sounds, or movies.  I am giving you notice to vacate.

To the voice that tells me: "You are too fat, ugly and stupid for anybody to ever love you."  First that is hurtful.  Second it is not true.  I may be and have been fat, but I have never been ugly or stupid.  I am working on the fat part right now so the point is now invalid.  I find it sad that for years I believed you.  I truly did not feel worthy of anyone's love, so I pushed people away who cared for me to prove you right.

To the voice that tells me: "They don't make clothes big enough to fit you."  Well that is just untrue.  They do.  I have never shown up any place without being dressed.  It hurts that in order to make yourself  feel better, you had to hurt me.

To the voice that makes me believe that nobody will like me for who I am.  That is a lie.  I have several people in my life who like and dare I say love me for exactly who I am.  They are not concerned with whose I am.  They could care less who my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles are.  They like and love me just for me.  For ME!  I think this is one reason why even to this day, if someone pays me a compliment I don't believe them.  Why should I?  They are only trying to be nice to me.

To the voice that fills me with anxiety and causes me to not trust people, GET OUT!  I am tired of living with you in my head.  It is bad enough that I grew up just waiting for the other shoe to drop, but now I live my life waiting for every bad thing to happen.  This causes me great stress.  I learned not to trust people because you cannot count on anybody but yourself.  I now realize that is not the case, but when that is what you have been conditioned with, it is hard to break the cycle.  I am learning to be more trusting and if I confide and trust you with my deepest, darkest secrets, feel privileged.  Not everybody gets in.

To my wall building voice:  I am hiring a demolition crew.  I think I must have come out of the womb with a wall built up.  As I think back, even in elementary school I was quiet and standoffish untill I got to know you.  I was and still am so good at building walls that you may not even know I have built one to keep you out.  I have dealt with a lot of hurt and the only way to keep me sane (ok relatively sane) was to build a wall around my heart to protect it.  That also means that people could not get in.

To the voice that tells me: "You will never be good enough!"  Good enough for who?  God loves me.  My friends love me.  Dare I say it even some of my students love me.  Just because I am not good enough for you does not mean I am not good enough.  I remember in high school going from a size 16 to a size 7 over the course of a summer.  I remember going shopping for jeans and being told, "if you just lose 5 more pounds you will be a size 5 like..."  I think that was a damn good accomplishment to get that low.  No wonder I have had a poor self image my entire life.  I would never be able to live up to your level of enough.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I want you (the voices) gone.  I am not going to sacrifice myself anymore just because you have a problem with it.  I am great just as I am and I would not change a thing.  Is there forgiveness? Always.  Is there hope for tomorrow? Yes.  Does healing have to take place? Absolutely.

Peace out Peeps. I have some voices to kick out.

Random thoughts and observations.

I had a frightening experience today.  My face has thinned out so much that when I looked in the mirror today, my mother was staring back at me.  I know that some of you can relate to that.  The worse part of this is that if I look like my mother, then I also look like my grandmother.  Now I love my Mamaw, don't get me wrong, but if you ever see me getting a kinky tight perm and back combing my hair into a beehive on my head.  Shoot me.  I give you permission.

My body is changing.  I have noticed that my skin is getting looser and I have wrinkles where I never had wrinkles before.  I am afraid I am going to look like this when it is all over:

I am glad for the changing though.  I have so much more energy now.  I feel better. I sleep better.  I feel I am in a better mood too.

The only person I am competing with is myself.  This was a hard lesson to learn.  I used to not try if I thought I was not able to do it correctly or like others.  One thing my journey has taught me is that do what you can do and don't worry if you are not keeping up with others.  I have been doing Camp Gladiator since before Thanksgiving and I truly love it.  It is a warm (except for when we are working out in 20 degree weather) and welcoming environment.  There are people of all different fitness levels and sizes.  Some people in my group run marathons.  This used to bother me.  Then I realized that everybody starts somewhere.  Some of them have been exactly where I am now and look what they have accomplished.  So instead of being mad or upset at myself, I just keep my head down and keep trucking on.  I have already made strides, I now can do burpees.  They are not great but I can do them.

I have to do what works for me.  One think I have always hated is someone telling me how I should do something. I know I am not alone in this.  If you tell me to do it, I will do my best to do it my way even if your way is the best.  I have had to let some of that go.  I had to give myself over to CG and the food Nazi and do it there way.  I am seeing results.  Now just because this is the way that works for me, does not mean it will work for you.  I have done WW, Slimfast, starvation....  they did not work for me.  If they work for you, that is great and I am proud for you.  Please don't try to change my way and I will not try to change your way.

My last observation is for my young teenage self and for my female students.  Please know your worth.  You are beautiful just as you are.  You do not have to try and be like anybody else.  Do you!  Do not look at the girls dancing in videos, reality shows, or the skinny supermodels that have been airbrushed on magazines to be your role model.  If you do, you are not being yourself and you are playing into the hands of advertisers.  Be yourself, love yourself, and be good to yourself.  Please do not beat yourself up over not being perfect.  I would hate for you to have to wait until you are 40 to finally realize that you are a great person.

Peace out peeps.  I am going to go and be good to myself and take a nap.  Being fabulous is hard work.

New year and new attitude or what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Okay peeps we are five days into the year 2014, how is it going for  you so far?  I am doing great.  I had a slight hiccup on New Year's Eve that let to great news later in the week.  I went to the gym to work out with a trainer and after twenty minutes I started to feel dizzy.  I sat down on the bench and started sweating, breathing heavy and my body tingled all over.  I actually passed out twice.  The trainer, Ashli, stayed right with me and got me water and wet towels.  After an hour, yes and hour, I finally felt strong enough to drive home.  Ashli followed me home and walked with me all the way to the door.  How awesome is that?  I felt better after I ate some candy, but was still week Jan. 1.  I emailed the doctor my symptoms and guess what, my blood sugar had gotten so low that is why I passed out.  So now that means I am off two meds.  Yea for me.  I got up early Friday and went to work out with Ashli again.  We took it slow and lots of breaks, but I did it.  I also worked out on Saturday too.  So to sum it all up, I did not let it stop me.

As you know I did not make any resolutions this year.  I am taking it six weeks at a time.  So far I am doing great.  I am working out and CG starts tomorrow; my bag is already packed and mat in the car.  As much as I hate it, I love it just as much.  I can really feel a difference in my body.  I actually felt a hip bone today.  It is the little things people.

I know now that if I fail at any point this six weeks, I can always start over.  No need to beat myself up for it.  Before, I would have let this break me and prove to myself that I cannot do it.   Well you can forget that.

I am ignoring voice of doubt.  You can no longer have space in my head.  I will do this.  I do not have to be supermodel skinny.  I just want to be healthy with a nice butt.  That is not too much to ask.

Peace out peeps.  Remember if it doesn't kill you, keep going and eventually you will kill it.