Okay so this year I turned the big 40. Instead of being depressed, upset, curled up in the corner mourning my youth, I decided to make a big change. Now if you know me well, you know change is a scary thing for me. I am not necessarily afraid of change, but I am a creature of habit and it stresses me out. But, when I have made up my mind, nothing will stop me. I changed my doctor, I had had the same doctor since I was 13, and I decided to get healthy.
The first thing I did was I took a trip for my birthday. I went to San Francisco all by myself. I had a blast and I am definitely going back. I went to Alcatraz and the walk up the ramp to the cellblock nearly killed me. The next time I go back, I am running up that ramp and I am going to make it my bitch.
The second thing is I went to Angela Lemond, more affectionately known as TFN. She started me on the path to exercise and eating better. I have to have someone to hold me accountable and she does that. Because of this change, I blog, run, circuit train and eat better. It is helping to make me a much better person.
The third thing is I have decided to exorcise old demons and start to get rid of my "Stinkin' Thinkin'." I will no longer let my past have a hold on me. We are all in the same game; just different levels. Dealing with the same hell; just different devils. If I could go back in time and tell my teenage self something, it would be to not listen to those around you that put you down. This includes members of my own family who told me I was not or never would be good enough. You have to love yourself and you have plenty of people who love you just as you are.
Now since I have started my journey, I have developed muscles in places long covered with fat. I have more stamina, not as much as I need, but more than I had at the beginning. Camp Gladiator is one of the best things I have done this year. Carrie Monroe works my butt off. My fellow Gladiators are very supportive and I love them for that. I have lost 33 pounds which is more than a container of kitty litter. Now if you have ever picked up kitty litter you know how heavy that stuff is. I was actually carrying that around on my body. I still cannot believe that I was able to walk.
I am not going to make big New Year's Resolutions this year. I am only going to make 6 weeks resolutions. I resolved to lose 8 pounds by Jan. 31st and I have 7 more to go. I also resolve to be the sexiest beast I can be to make all those guys who would not give me the time of day as a fluffy person drool and beg for forgiveness.
I will keep you updated on my progress. Once I hit my first resolution I will post pics.
Peace out peeps. I hope you have a great new year. As I told my besties from high school the other day, we need to live long enough to become the Golden Girls and I call Blanche.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
Sometimes not such a jolly 'ol elf.
Since starting my journey, I have reflected a great deal about my life as a fat person. Now I know that I am still a fat person, I do not claim any different. I have wondered though, if other people have ever thought about what it is like to be a fat person. Here are somethings that I have learned or thought.
1. Clothes shopping sucks! As a fat person, you have to go to special stores. These stores are often more expensive. While I have gotten some really cute outfits over the years, many times I was stuck getting whatever fit me. Sometimes I liked it and sometimes I did not. I never feel comfortable in my clothes either. If I dress comfy and go to Wal Mart, sweat pants and t-shirt, like most everybody else in the store, I feel self concience because I am afraid people will percieve me as a sloppy fat person. If I dress nicer, then I feel people think I am trying too hard. Yes, I realize that this is mostly in my head. I never claimed to be speaking for all people. When this is over, I look forward to being able to shop at almost any store for clothes.
2. Eating out sucks! As a fat person you have to be careful where you sit. I could not fit into most boothes. I could squeeze into them, but it was uncomfortable and my chest kept hitting the table. Nobody likes to eat like that. I had to be careful of the chairs I sat in. I was always afraid of breaking a chair, so I had to be careful of what chair in a place I ate at. People will also look at you funny. If I ordered just a salad, I have seen people look at me and discuss what I am eating. "Why is that fatty trying to eat a salad? You know she eats more than that!" If I ate a regular meal people would look at me and discuss what I was eating. "Look at the fat person eating all that food. How can she eat that?" I have gone into places and been made fun of and stared at. Does that sound fun to you? It is not fun at all!
3. Sometimes people suck! I have walked into libraries and had people laugh out loud when I asked them a question. I have been on airplanes and had the flight attendant force people to sit near me, because they don't want to sit by a fat person. I had to ask for a seat belt extender when on the plane and had to get "the look" from the crew member. Makes you feel very small. Don't even ask about going to the bathroom on a plane! That is almost impossible. Even using a public bathroom can be bad. I have been in stalls where I barely fit inside the door because they were so small. Have you ever been afraid of being stuck in a potty? I have.
I am not saying this to get sympathy or to make you feel sorry for me. I am saying this to help prove a point. It does not matter why a person is overweight. We all have our demons or vices. Some drink, some smoke, I eat. It is how I coped with whatever pain I was dealing with. So with that said, next time you see a fat person out and about realize what it is like for them in public. It is not fun. I know I will be kinder to people because I have been there myself. Last Tuesday when I was doing my Camp Gladiator workout, I was always the last person to finish. Did anybody ridicule me? NO! They cheered me on and told me good job! They gave me high fives and told me it will get easier because they had been where I am now. I think more people need a cheering section in their own lives. I for one am going to become an excellent cheerleader for myself and others who are struggling.
"Your present circumstance don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start."
Peace out peeps! I have some pom poms to buy.
1. Clothes shopping sucks! As a fat person, you have to go to special stores. These stores are often more expensive. While I have gotten some really cute outfits over the years, many times I was stuck getting whatever fit me. Sometimes I liked it and sometimes I did not. I never feel comfortable in my clothes either. If I dress comfy and go to Wal Mart, sweat pants and t-shirt, like most everybody else in the store, I feel self concience because I am afraid people will percieve me as a sloppy fat person. If I dress nicer, then I feel people think I am trying too hard. Yes, I realize that this is mostly in my head. I never claimed to be speaking for all people. When this is over, I look forward to being able to shop at almost any store for clothes.
2. Eating out sucks! As a fat person you have to be careful where you sit. I could not fit into most boothes. I could squeeze into them, but it was uncomfortable and my chest kept hitting the table. Nobody likes to eat like that. I had to be careful of the chairs I sat in. I was always afraid of breaking a chair, so I had to be careful of what chair in a place I ate at. People will also look at you funny. If I ordered just a salad, I have seen people look at me and discuss what I am eating. "Why is that fatty trying to eat a salad? You know she eats more than that!" If I ate a regular meal people would look at me and discuss what I was eating. "Look at the fat person eating all that food. How can she eat that?" I have gone into places and been made fun of and stared at. Does that sound fun to you? It is not fun at all!
3. Sometimes people suck! I have walked into libraries and had people laugh out loud when I asked them a question. I have been on airplanes and had the flight attendant force people to sit near me, because they don't want to sit by a fat person. I had to ask for a seat belt extender when on the plane and had to get "the look" from the crew member. Makes you feel very small. Don't even ask about going to the bathroom on a plane! That is almost impossible. Even using a public bathroom can be bad. I have been in stalls where I barely fit inside the door because they were so small. Have you ever been afraid of being stuck in a potty? I have.
I am not saying this to get sympathy or to make you feel sorry for me. I am saying this to help prove a point. It does not matter why a person is overweight. We all have our demons or vices. Some drink, some smoke, I eat. It is how I coped with whatever pain I was dealing with. So with that said, next time you see a fat person out and about realize what it is like for them in public. It is not fun. I know I will be kinder to people because I have been there myself. Last Tuesday when I was doing my Camp Gladiator workout, I was always the last person to finish. Did anybody ridicule me? NO! They cheered me on and told me good job! They gave me high fives and told me it will get easier because they had been where I am now. I think more people need a cheering section in their own lives. I for one am going to become an excellent cheerleader for myself and others who are struggling.
"Your present circumstance don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start."
Peace out peeps! I have some pom poms to buy.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Just the way you are....
There is a saying that I have heard many times, "God loves you just as you are. He also loves you too much to let you stay that way." I never really thought much about that quote until recently. Since starting my journey to sexiness, I have been thinking a lot about my life and the way I look at things.
When I was a little girl, I used to think that in order to have a full life I had to have a husband, kids, house, cat, etc.... As I got older, I used to get really depressed every time I had a friend get married or have kids. I would get angry that people I knew were getting something that I thought I needed. I cannot even start to tell you how many Valentine's Days I just wanted to stay in bed and cry.
I entered into relationships that were not good for me, just to have a relationship. I even became engaged to someone I really had nothing in common with. I am not proud of things I have done in my past. But I look at everything as a learning experience. And boy did learn some stuff.
I have realized since starting my journey that I am enough, just the way I am. I don't need anyone to make me feel complete. Would it be nice to have a meaningful relationship with someone who makes me laugh? Absolutely. I don't need it though. I am an amazing person just the way I am.
God loves me just the way I am. He also loved me enough to make me change. He has made me realize that I am good enough, smart enough, and doggone it people like me. He is making me realize that in order to make myself whole, I needed to change. I am no good to anyone if I don't love myself first. I have to be healthy in body, mind and soul before I am ready for a relationship that will last.
I am hoping that he does not make me wait until I am 80 and in the nursing home. If he does, I will be the hottest old lady at the home. I will be chasing the young guys around the home and pinching tushies. That is a promise.
Peace out peeps. I think I need to check out the Scooter Store so I can catch the young 60 year olds at the home.
When I was a little girl, I used to think that in order to have a full life I had to have a husband, kids, house, cat, etc.... As I got older, I used to get really depressed every time I had a friend get married or have kids. I would get angry that people I knew were getting something that I thought I needed. I cannot even start to tell you how many Valentine's Days I just wanted to stay in bed and cry.
I entered into relationships that were not good for me, just to have a relationship. I even became engaged to someone I really had nothing in common with. I am not proud of things I have done in my past. But I look at everything as a learning experience. And boy did learn some stuff.
I have realized since starting my journey that I am enough, just the way I am. I don't need anyone to make me feel complete. Would it be nice to have a meaningful relationship with someone who makes me laugh? Absolutely. I don't need it though. I am an amazing person just the way I am.
God loves me just the way I am. He also loved me enough to make me change. He has made me realize that I am good enough, smart enough, and doggone it people like me. He is making me realize that in order to make myself whole, I needed to change. I am no good to anyone if I don't love myself first. I have to be healthy in body, mind and soul before I am ready for a relationship that will last.
I am hoping that he does not make me wait until I am 80 and in the nursing home. If he does, I will be the hottest old lady at the home. I will be chasing the young guys around the home and pinching tushies. That is a promise.
Peace out peeps. I think I need to check out the Scooter Store so I can catch the young 60 year olds at the home.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Titanium or I am stronger than I thought.
Did you know that the alloy titanium is lightweight, strong and resistant to rust? I didn't. I would be great to be lightweight, strong and unable to rust. Oh what a dream.
I was talking to a friend of mine not to long ago. I was telling her about some things that I had been through in my life. She told me she had no idea because I am one of the strongest people she knows. Well if I am one of the strongest, I would hate to meet the weakest. I can portray being a strong person when inside I am a giant marshmallow.
I guess some times when you have to be strong in order to survive, then you become a stronger person. I did not have the greatest childhood. It was filled with pain and anxiety. Only after I became an adult did I learn how to deal with it. I am still dealing with it daily I might add. The Huxtables, we were not.
I had to put myself through college. I went to school full time, non-stop and worked full time. I did not get to do many of the fun college student stuff. Did I miss out? I don't know I guess I did, but I became a stronger person because I did it on my own. I am proud of that.
I have worked very hard at my job. I am loyal to my friends. I give of myself to lots of people and things. The person who suffered in all of this was me. To say that I let myself go, is a huge understatement. Since I perceived myself as a weak person, I never challenged myself and I gained at one time, I am NOT proud to say this, 200 pounds. That's right. I said it out loud. The most I have ever weighed that I know about is 350 pounds. I was not a strong person, I was weak, weak, weak.
I keep on my phone as my wallpaper a picture of me at my heaviest. I keep it there as a reminder of who I used to be and who I am becoming. I hid myself from the world for a long time. If you really know me, you know that I can be very social, funny and talk your ear off. I am also an introvert and would rather die than be in front of people. I used that excuse to stay weak and not let myself out.
I reached a point where I got tired of hiding and being weak. I wanted to come out and let the world see the woman that I was on the inside. OMG look out world is all I can say.
I discovered this weekend how strong I am becoming. TFN invited me to come to Camp Gladiator, which is a fitness boot camp. Did I ever think that I would do that? NO! Did I do it! Oh Yeah I did. Did I do it perfectly? No. Did I do it as well as the skinny bitches there? No. Did I do it and not give up? HELL YEAH!!!! I did not know that I had that in me. I even fell down in front of strangers and I got up and kept going. I have the bruise to prove it too. I am sore today and contemplated making a voodoo doll with TFN's face on it, but I didn't. You know what I did? I went running today sore muscles and all. If you had asked me six months ago if I was strong enough to do that, I would have laughed in your face and been rolling on the floor. I am getting stronger everyday.
To paraphrase David Guetta and his song, "Titanium" You can criticize and the bullets bounce off. You can knock me down, but I will get up and keep going. Keep firing at me and I will keep going. I am a strong woman and I am not ashamed to show it.
Peace out peeps, I have some fat to make cry and want to leave my body. Adam Levine, I am coming for you buddy.
I was talking to a friend of mine not to long ago. I was telling her about some things that I had been through in my life. She told me she had no idea because I am one of the strongest people she knows. Well if I am one of the strongest, I would hate to meet the weakest. I can portray being a strong person when inside I am a giant marshmallow.
I guess some times when you have to be strong in order to survive, then you become a stronger person. I did not have the greatest childhood. It was filled with pain and anxiety. Only after I became an adult did I learn how to deal with it. I am still dealing with it daily I might add. The Huxtables, we were not.
I had to put myself through college. I went to school full time, non-stop and worked full time. I did not get to do many of the fun college student stuff. Did I miss out? I don't know I guess I did, but I became a stronger person because I did it on my own. I am proud of that.
I have worked very hard at my job. I am loyal to my friends. I give of myself to lots of people and things. The person who suffered in all of this was me. To say that I let myself go, is a huge understatement. Since I perceived myself as a weak person, I never challenged myself and I gained at one time, I am NOT proud to say this, 200 pounds. That's right. I said it out loud. The most I have ever weighed that I know about is 350 pounds. I was not a strong person, I was weak, weak, weak.
I keep on my phone as my wallpaper a picture of me at my heaviest. I keep it there as a reminder of who I used to be and who I am becoming. I hid myself from the world for a long time. If you really know me, you know that I can be very social, funny and talk your ear off. I am also an introvert and would rather die than be in front of people. I used that excuse to stay weak and not let myself out.
I reached a point where I got tired of hiding and being weak. I wanted to come out and let the world see the woman that I was on the inside. OMG look out world is all I can say.
I discovered this weekend how strong I am becoming. TFN invited me to come to Camp Gladiator, which is a fitness boot camp. Did I ever think that I would do that? NO! Did I do it! Oh Yeah I did. Did I do it perfectly? No. Did I do it as well as the skinny bitches there? No. Did I do it and not give up? HELL YEAH!!!! I did not know that I had that in me. I even fell down in front of strangers and I got up and kept going. I have the bruise to prove it too. I am sore today and contemplated making a voodoo doll with TFN's face on it, but I didn't. You know what I did? I went running today sore muscles and all. If you had asked me six months ago if I was strong enough to do that, I would have laughed in your face and been rolling on the floor. I am getting stronger everyday.
To paraphrase David Guetta and his song, "Titanium" You can criticize and the bullets bounce off. You can knock me down, but I will get up and keep going. Keep firing at me and I will keep going. I am a strong woman and I am not ashamed to show it.
Peace out peeps, I have some fat to make cry and want to leave my body. Adam Levine, I am coming for you buddy.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Mountain of God or get out of your own way.
First Peeps, I just want to thank all of you who read my ramblings. Do you like it? Are you learning things? Let me know.
One of my favorite songs is "Mountain of God" by Third Day. It really speaks to me. I have been through many valleys and stood on some really high peaks. Thank you to my friends and family who stood with me on the peaks and who dragged my fat behind out of the valley.
I sometimes get in my own way. Does this ever happen to you? Come on, be honest! Now I am really trying to turn over a new leaf and be a more positive person and less sarcastic (gasping for air here). With that said, "Old habits die hard." I still catch myself having "Stinkin' Thinkin'" and being very hard and biting. If I hurt you with my words I am truly sorry and I apologize wholeheartedly. I am really working on it.
If you have known me for any length of time, you know that I don't suffer fools lightly. Then I look at myself and I have been a fool too many times to count. I have made stupid choices and decisions. I hate being the butt of my own joke. I am also working on that.
Self sabotage? Yes please. I am sooooooo guilty of this. When things start going really well, I will do anything I can to make sure it screws up. This way I am never disappointed when it all goes to crap. I am happy to say that with TFN experience, I have not done that. I am determined to not sabotage myself. I cannot tell you how many opportunities and friendships I have ruined because I sabotaged myself. If you see me doing this, PLEASE STOP ME! I promise to behave. ;)
I am a very impatient person. That is not to say that I am in a constant snit, not at all. I can be very patient with my friends, family and students. Get off the floor, I really can. It is just when I reach my point, I have reached my point and then I AM DONE! I am working on this as well. Just and F.Y.I. I am MUCH better than I used to be. One thing the TFN experience has taught me is that I have to be patient. As much as I want all this weight off like tomorrow, I have to work and wait. I did not put on all this weight at one time, it will not all come off at one time. With that said, it still sucks sometimes and yes I feel like a failure at times.
Failure is the thing that frightens me the most. I am afraid of failing my family. I am afraid of failing my friends. I am afraid of failing my students. I am afraid of failing TFN. I am afraid of failing for myself. I am not in a deep and dark valley anymore. I am working my way up Mt. Everest. I just have to get out of my own way and keep climbing.
Please Peeps, if you see me going backward, let me know. I promise I am working on being a better all around person. I just need help. There I have admitted it. I NEED HELP!
I will never sing as lovely or as powerful as Mac Powell, but I am sure to God I sound heavenly. So I am determined to keep climbing and get out of the deep, dark valley that was my life.
Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God
So Peace out Peeps. I have some climbing to do.
One of my favorite songs is "Mountain of God" by Third Day. It really speaks to me. I have been through many valleys and stood on some really high peaks. Thank you to my friends and family who stood with me on the peaks and who dragged my fat behind out of the valley.
I sometimes get in my own way. Does this ever happen to you? Come on, be honest! Now I am really trying to turn over a new leaf and be a more positive person and less sarcastic (gasping for air here). With that said, "Old habits die hard." I still catch myself having "Stinkin' Thinkin'" and being very hard and biting. If I hurt you with my words I am truly sorry and I apologize wholeheartedly. I am really working on it.
If you have known me for any length of time, you know that I don't suffer fools lightly. Then I look at myself and I have been a fool too many times to count. I have made stupid choices and decisions. I hate being the butt of my own joke. I am also working on that.
Self sabotage? Yes please. I am sooooooo guilty of this. When things start going really well, I will do anything I can to make sure it screws up. This way I am never disappointed when it all goes to crap. I am happy to say that with TFN experience, I have not done that. I am determined to not sabotage myself. I cannot tell you how many opportunities and friendships I have ruined because I sabotaged myself. If you see me doing this, PLEASE STOP ME! I promise to behave. ;)
I am a very impatient person. That is not to say that I am in a constant snit, not at all. I can be very patient with my friends, family and students. Get off the floor, I really can. It is just when I reach my point, I have reached my point and then I AM DONE! I am working on this as well. Just and F.Y.I. I am MUCH better than I used to be. One thing the TFN experience has taught me is that I have to be patient. As much as I want all this weight off like tomorrow, I have to work and wait. I did not put on all this weight at one time, it will not all come off at one time. With that said, it still sucks sometimes and yes I feel like a failure at times.
Failure is the thing that frightens me the most. I am afraid of failing my family. I am afraid of failing my friends. I am afraid of failing my students. I am afraid of failing TFN. I am afraid of failing for myself. I am not in a deep and dark valley anymore. I am working my way up Mt. Everest. I just have to get out of my own way and keep climbing.
Please Peeps, if you see me going backward, let me know. I promise I am working on being a better all around person. I just need help. There I have admitted it. I NEED HELP!
I will never sing as lovely or as powerful as Mac Powell, but I am sure to God I sound heavenly. So I am determined to keep climbing and get out of the deep, dark valley that was my life.
Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God
So Peace out Peeps. I have some climbing to do.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
That hurts so be BRAVE!
Ok, I fully admit that this weekend has been funky for me. While I love the holidays and all the music and movies, they always depress me. While I have had some wonderful and great holiday memories, I have had some horrible ones. This blog may step on some toes, but sometimes that is what it takes to heal.
My parents divorced when I was two years old. Looking back, my parents probably never should have married each other. Sorry but that is how I feel about it. While I am sure that my family loved me, I never really allowed myself to be loved. What I did feel was hurt, pain, and unworthiness. I have felt unworthy and unlovable for most of my life.
Did you know that words hurt? They do. What you may throw out as an off hand remark, can scar a person for life. ( I am ashamed that I have done this myself.) I have internal scars that go back as far as I can remember. I have scenes of my unworthiness that play like a movie in my head at all times. This is one reason why I cannot stand complete silence, that lets the movie play on full blast.
I think what hurts the most, is that when I told the person that your words have hurt me, they denied it. They told me 1. they never said it. or 2. to get over it. That may sound easy enough but here I am a 40 year-old woman and sometimes I am still a hurting 9 year-old little girl on the inside.
Because I felt unworthy of love, I shut myself off from those that loved me. I built walls like you would not believe. I swear I could have built the Great Wall of China in half the time. Because of those walls, I would not let anybody in to know the real me. Not my parents, not my friends, not even my beloved Papaw and Mamaw. I was not worthy of their love so I made sure I did not get it. Why was I unworthy, because I was told I was. That is why words hurt.
When I was 23 I went on the Walk to Emmaus. I found out that there are people just like me. I also found out that people will love me just as I am, fluffy rolls and all. It took almost 10 more years before I finally realized that because they love me, I can love myself. I was 33 years-old before I felt okay to love myself. That is so sad.
I am working everyday to love myself unconditionally. It is hard and it hurts. I feel more protected behind the walls. I do not like feeling vulnerable. It scares the beejeezus out of me. I am also working on watching how I talk to people. I admit my fluency in sarcasm has gotten me into trouble with kids who don't understand it, but I am working on it. I also let my students know that I am here if they need me. I cannot make them believe me, but I can be there for when they finally do.
You know I love music, especially after my last blog. Recently a song by Sara Bareilles called "Brave" came out. One day in the car I really listened to the words and I started to cry in the car. I think I am going to be braver from here on out. I am not going to let you hurt me anymore or allow myself to hurt me. So watch out world I am going to bravely roar.
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
Peace out Peeps. I have to be brave and tackle the world now.
P.S. If you are in Garland and you see a fluffy woman jogging, don't panic it's just me working on my JLO booty.
My parents divorced when I was two years old. Looking back, my parents probably never should have married each other. Sorry but that is how I feel about it. While I am sure that my family loved me, I never really allowed myself to be loved. What I did feel was hurt, pain, and unworthiness. I have felt unworthy and unlovable for most of my life.
Did you know that words hurt? They do. What you may throw out as an off hand remark, can scar a person for life. ( I am ashamed that I have done this myself.) I have internal scars that go back as far as I can remember. I have scenes of my unworthiness that play like a movie in my head at all times. This is one reason why I cannot stand complete silence, that lets the movie play on full blast.
I think what hurts the most, is that when I told the person that your words have hurt me, they denied it. They told me 1. they never said it. or 2. to get over it. That may sound easy enough but here I am a 40 year-old woman and sometimes I am still a hurting 9 year-old little girl on the inside.
Because I felt unworthy of love, I shut myself off from those that loved me. I built walls like you would not believe. I swear I could have built the Great Wall of China in half the time. Because of those walls, I would not let anybody in to know the real me. Not my parents, not my friends, not even my beloved Papaw and Mamaw. I was not worthy of their love so I made sure I did not get it. Why was I unworthy, because I was told I was. That is why words hurt.
When I was 23 I went on the Walk to Emmaus. I found out that there are people just like me. I also found out that people will love me just as I am, fluffy rolls and all. It took almost 10 more years before I finally realized that because they love me, I can love myself. I was 33 years-old before I felt okay to love myself. That is so sad.
I am working everyday to love myself unconditionally. It is hard and it hurts. I feel more protected behind the walls. I do not like feeling vulnerable. It scares the beejeezus out of me. I am also working on watching how I talk to people. I admit my fluency in sarcasm has gotten me into trouble with kids who don't understand it, but I am working on it. I also let my students know that I am here if they need me. I cannot make them believe me, but I can be there for when they finally do.
You know I love music, especially after my last blog. Recently a song by Sara Bareilles called "Brave" came out. One day in the car I really listened to the words and I started to cry in the car. I think I am going to be braver from here on out. I am not going to let you hurt me anymore or allow myself to hurt me. So watch out world I am going to bravely roar.
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
Peace out Peeps. I have to be brave and tackle the world now.
P.S. If you are in Garland and you see a fluffy woman jogging, don't panic it's just me working on my JLO booty.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Non-scale victories or stop listening to just the scale!
So let me just start this by saying that last week was a hard week for me. I went to my regular Doctor for blood work (she's actually a vampire), med check, etc.... When I got on the scale, which they make you do by the way, it showed that since August I had not lost any weight. I was many things, mad, hacked, pissed off, discouraged, and most of all felt like a failure.
I told my doctor this and she told me, I am paraphrasing, "Get over yourself. You look different and I can tell you have lost weight." Why is that number so important to me and to people in general? I guess because you are in a sense judged by it everyday.
I went on Friday to my nutritionist, lovingly called "The Food Nazi" or TFN for short and got another shock. I had gained 4 pounds according to her scale. I was really depressed now. To borrow again from the great Stuart Smalley, I had some "stinkin' thinkin'" going on. TFN told me, I am paraphrasing, "Get over yourself." She measured my waist and I have lost three inches since the middle of August. Also, my body fat had finally come down enough to measure. VICTORY! I am gaining muscle.
When I got home, I had my lab results and guess what? I get to stop one of my medications because my blood glucose is so much better. Can I get an Amen for that! I guess I need to start looking at it like this:
1. Don't worry about what the scale says.
2. My blood pressure is the lowest it has been in years.
3. My blood sugar is getting much better.
4. I have more determination.
5. I overeat far less than I used too.
6. I am more persistent. You will not stop me.
7. I am drinking more water.
8. I am eating more fruits and veggies. I still stand by my statement that green beans or English peas will never pass these lips.
9. I have cut down on the fat and sugar.
10. I am moving more. I can do things now that 6 months ago were only a dream.
11. Most importantly, I am more positive about life and myself.
While I do have a goal weight in my mind, I will not be as consumed by what that metal machine says anymore. I am already victorious in my own way.
Peace out Peeps! I have something great to do!
I told my doctor this and she told me, I am paraphrasing, "Get over yourself. You look different and I can tell you have lost weight." Why is that number so important to me and to people in general? I guess because you are in a sense judged by it everyday.
I went on Friday to my nutritionist, lovingly called "The Food Nazi" or TFN for short and got another shock. I had gained 4 pounds according to her scale. I was really depressed now. To borrow again from the great Stuart Smalley, I had some "stinkin' thinkin'" going on. TFN told me, I am paraphrasing, "Get over yourself." She measured my waist and I have lost three inches since the middle of August. Also, my body fat had finally come down enough to measure. VICTORY! I am gaining muscle.
When I got home, I had my lab results and guess what? I get to stop one of my medications because my blood glucose is so much better. Can I get an Amen for that! I guess I need to start looking at it like this:
1. Don't worry about what the scale says.
2. My blood pressure is the lowest it has been in years.
3. My blood sugar is getting much better.
4. I have more determination.
5. I overeat far less than I used too.
6. I am more persistent. You will not stop me.
7. I am drinking more water.
8. I am eating more fruits and veggies. I still stand by my statement that green beans or English peas will never pass these lips.
9. I have cut down on the fat and sugar.
10. I am moving more. I can do things now that 6 months ago were only a dream.
11. Most importantly, I am more positive about life and myself.
While I do have a goal weight in my mind, I will not be as consumed by what that metal machine says anymore. I am already victorious in my own way.
Peace out Peeps! I have something great to do!
Thursday, November 7, 2013
My Roosevelt complex is now a Katy Perry "Roar" statement.
One of my favorite quotes is by my personal hero, Eleanor Roosevelt. The quote is, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I love this quote so much I even this on a poster in my classroom. The only bad part about this, I am apologizing to you Eleanor, is that I did not believe it for many years.
When I was in high school, I was athletic. I played volleyball, basketball and ran track. Even though I did all those things, I still had a bit of a chubby body. I was not fat! I can see that now looking back, but I thought I was the size of Shamu. I constantly compared myself to other girls in my school and felt inferior to them. Did they make me feel inferior? No, I did that all on my own.
When I got to college, I was not athletic. I put myself through college. I am very proud of that fact. I went to school full time, even during the summers, and worked full time. This is not leave much time for me to have the social life of most college students. It also helped in my massive weight gain.
When I started teaching, I was not athletic. I was happy that I had a job that I loved, but I was unhappy with my life. I stuffed my emotions and feelings way down deep with food. I felt like I was inferior to all the other teachers, I still do most of the time even today. I felt I was inferior to others because I was not married and did not have any children. Did my friends make me feel inferior? No. Did my students make me feel inferior? Nope. They loved and accepted me just as I was. The only person making me feel inferior was myself.
I have friends and family and students who love me just as I am. Do my students love me all the time? Nope. I am fairly certain that my friends and family don't love me all the time. I can be a bit of a mess. I have admitted it so it is okay. They do know though (students, friends, and family) that I am there for them and always will be. The only person I ever put on the back burner was myself. Did they make me feel inferior? No, just me.
NO MORE! I am finally taking care of myself. I am not letting others make me feel inferior any more. If you like me great, if you don't like me, that is your loss! I am going to honor my hero, Eleanor Roosevelt, and be more like her. I am not going to be inferior to myself anymore. I am going to become like Katy Perry and "Roar". If you have not listened to that song you really should.
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now
[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Peace out Peeps, I have some roaring to do.
When I was in high school, I was athletic. I played volleyball, basketball and ran track. Even though I did all those things, I still had a bit of a chubby body. I was not fat! I can see that now looking back, but I thought I was the size of Shamu. I constantly compared myself to other girls in my school and felt inferior to them. Did they make me feel inferior? No, I did that all on my own.
When I got to college, I was not athletic. I put myself through college. I am very proud of that fact. I went to school full time, even during the summers, and worked full time. This is not leave much time for me to have the social life of most college students. It also helped in my massive weight gain.
When I started teaching, I was not athletic. I was happy that I had a job that I loved, but I was unhappy with my life. I stuffed my emotions and feelings way down deep with food. I felt like I was inferior to all the other teachers, I still do most of the time even today. I felt I was inferior to others because I was not married and did not have any children. Did my friends make me feel inferior? No. Did my students make me feel inferior? Nope. They loved and accepted me just as I was. The only person making me feel inferior was myself.
I have friends and family and students who love me just as I am. Do my students love me all the time? Nope. I am fairly certain that my friends and family don't love me all the time. I can be a bit of a mess. I have admitted it so it is okay. They do know though (students, friends, and family) that I am there for them and always will be. The only person I ever put on the back burner was myself. Did they make me feel inferior? No, just me.
NO MORE! I am finally taking care of myself. I am not letting others make me feel inferior any more. If you like me great, if you don't like me, that is your loss! I am going to honor my hero, Eleanor Roosevelt, and be more like her. I am not going to be inferior to myself anymore. I am going to become like Katy Perry and "Roar". If you have not listened to that song you really should.
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now
[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Peace out Peeps, I have some roaring to do.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Oh Halloween, you are a heartless mistress.
Okay, let me start by saying, I LOVE HALLOWEEN! I love the cooler weather, the pumpkins, the decorations, scary movies on tv, and the costumes. Mostly though I love the candy. I have loved candy even as a little kid. I remember getting the plain M&Ms, the kind that had two different shades of brown, that's how long ago this goes back. I would open the package, count the candies and arrange them by color. I would eat the ones with the least amount, usually the tan ones, first and then continue from there. I would get the Reese's Peanut Butter cups and eat all the edges first, then dive into the peanut butter part. I did the same with Kit Kat bars too.
I wanted to savor the sugary, sweet goodness that is candy. I even had giant pixie stix. I guess if there is a good part to this, I am not a fan of peppermint or it could be really bad.
My love of candy has led me down many paths. It has been my enemy, friend, comforter, and my make me less boreder. (I know that is not a real word just deal with it.) I cannot buy candy for my students that is any kind I will eat, or it will not make it to class.
When I was 30 I found out I was a diabetic because of my weight. I know my love of candy played a part in that as well. Without her, I would not have gained as much weight. I was truly in a panic. I just knew that my love affair with candy would have to come to an end. I mourned the loss of the candy. I thought my life was over. Then, kablamo, I discovered sugar free candy. NOT as good. Don't let anybody fool you. I found though that as I started eating better and exercising, that I don't miss it as much as I used too. I still will eat candy. I am not going to lie and say I never touch it, but I can control myself. Sometimes, I don't enjoy it even when I eat it.
So if you are like me and love Halloween and all the candy, just stop and think, do I need it to survive or do I just want it.
Happy Halloween my spooky Peeps.
I wanted to savor the sugary, sweet goodness that is candy. I even had giant pixie stix. I guess if there is a good part to this, I am not a fan of peppermint or it could be really bad.
My love of candy has led me down many paths. It has been my enemy, friend, comforter, and my make me less boreder. (I know that is not a real word just deal with it.) I cannot buy candy for my students that is any kind I will eat, or it will not make it to class.
When I was 30 I found out I was a diabetic because of my weight. I know my love of candy played a part in that as well. Without her, I would not have gained as much weight. I was truly in a panic. I just knew that my love affair with candy would have to come to an end. I mourned the loss of the candy. I thought my life was over. Then, kablamo, I discovered sugar free candy. NOT as good. Don't let anybody fool you. I found though that as I started eating better and exercising, that I don't miss it as much as I used too. I still will eat candy. I am not going to lie and say I never touch it, but I can control myself. Sometimes, I don't enjoy it even when I eat it.
So if you are like me and love Halloween and all the candy, just stop and think, do I need it to survive or do I just want it.
Happy Halloween my spooky Peeps.
“The greatest gift you ever give is your honest self.”
― Mr. Rogers.
― Mr. Rogers.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Here I go.
When I turned 40, I decided to start a new chapter in my life. I was tired, overweight and worn out. I went to San Francisco for my birthday and loved every minute of it. When I went to visit Alcatraz, I realized I was going to have to climb 13 stories to get to the cell house. It was not easy. It was hard and painful, but I did it. I huffed and puffed all the way to the top. When I got home I looked at the pictures of myself and did not like how I looked in them. I guess you never really see yourself as you appear to others.
When I got back to Texas, I switched doctors and I loved her. She gave me a sense of hope that I had not had in several years. She told me I had to lose weight or I was going to die. She hooked me up with a nutritionist. Before I had ever meet her, I started calling her "The Food Nazi." I now call her TFN for short.
Was I excited to see her? NO! Was I happy that I was going to have to change my life style? NO! Was I determined that I was going to listen to her and do what she told me? YES! Has it been easy? Not in the beginning and sometimes it still sucks, but I am doing it. I am succeeding and I have even taken up jogging. Yes this fat girl can jog.
Here are a couple of things I have learned about myself since starting:
1. I had to do it for myself. I cannot do it for anybody else or because someone is demanding that I do it.
2. I have to have a support system. I have my friends, family, and TFN in my corner cheering me on.
3. I am capable of more than I ever thought I was.
4. Exercise stinks in the beginning, but will become addicting if you give it a chance.
5. I am good enough, I am smart enough, and doggoneit people like me. (Stuart Smally) I have realized that I am all of those things. I love me and if you don't then you are missing out on a great person.
Peace out peeps. I will update more later.
When I got back to Texas, I switched doctors and I loved her. She gave me a sense of hope that I had not had in several years. She told me I had to lose weight or I was going to die. She hooked me up with a nutritionist. Before I had ever meet her, I started calling her "The Food Nazi." I now call her TFN for short.
Was I excited to see her? NO! Was I happy that I was going to have to change my life style? NO! Was I determined that I was going to listen to her and do what she told me? YES! Has it been easy? Not in the beginning and sometimes it still sucks, but I am doing it. I am succeeding and I have even taken up jogging. Yes this fat girl can jog.
Here are a couple of things I have learned about myself since starting:
1. I had to do it for myself. I cannot do it for anybody else or because someone is demanding that I do it.
2. I have to have a support system. I have my friends, family, and TFN in my corner cheering me on.
3. I am capable of more than I ever thought I was.
4. Exercise stinks in the beginning, but will become addicting if you give it a chance.
5. I am good enough, I am smart enough, and doggoneit people like me. (Stuart Smally) I have realized that I am all of those things. I love me and if you don't then you are missing out on a great person.
Peace out peeps. I will update more later.
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