First Peeps, I just want to thank all of you who read my ramblings. Do you like it? Are you learning things? Let me know.
One of my favorite songs is "Mountain of God" by Third Day. It really speaks to me. I have been through many valleys and stood on some really high peaks. Thank you to my friends and family who stood with me on the peaks and who dragged my fat behind out of the valley.
I sometimes get in my own way. Does this ever happen to you? Come on, be honest! Now I am really trying to turn over a new leaf and be a more positive person and less sarcastic (gasping for air here). With that said, "Old habits die hard." I still catch myself having "Stinkin' Thinkin'" and being very hard and biting. If I hurt you with my words I am truly sorry and I apologize wholeheartedly. I am really working on it.
If you have known me for any length of time, you know that I don't suffer fools lightly. Then I look at myself and I have been a fool too many times to count. I have made stupid choices and decisions. I hate being the butt of my own joke. I am also working on that.
Self sabotage? Yes please. I am sooooooo guilty of this. When things start going really well, I will do anything I can to make sure it screws up. This way I am never disappointed when it all goes to crap. I am happy to say that with TFN experience, I have not done that. I am determined to not sabotage myself. I cannot tell you how many opportunities and friendships I have ruined because I sabotaged myself. If you see me doing this, PLEASE STOP ME! I promise to behave. ;)
I am a very impatient person. That is not to say that I am in a constant snit, not at all. I can be very patient with my friends, family and students. Get off the floor, I really can. It is just when I reach my point, I have reached my point and then I AM DONE! I am working on this as well. Just and F.Y.I. I am MUCH better than I used to be. One thing the TFN experience has taught me is that I have to be patient. As much as I want all this weight off like tomorrow, I have to work and wait. I did not put on all this weight at one time, it will not all come off at one time. With that said, it still sucks sometimes and yes I feel like a failure at times.
Failure is the thing that frightens me the most. I am afraid of failing my family. I am afraid of failing my friends. I am afraid of failing my students. I am afraid of failing TFN. I am afraid of failing for myself. I am not in a deep and dark valley anymore. I am working my way up Mt. Everest. I just have to get out of my own way and keep climbing.
Please Peeps, if you see me going backward, let me know. I promise I am working on being a better all around person. I just need help. There I have admitted it. I NEED HELP!
I will never sing as lovely or as powerful as Mac Powell, but I am sure to God I sound heavenly. So I am determined to keep climbing and get out of the deep, dark valley that was my life.
Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God
So Peace out Peeps. I have some climbing to do.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
That hurts so be BRAVE!
Ok, I fully admit that this weekend has been funky for me. While I love the holidays and all the music and movies, they always depress me. While I have had some wonderful and great holiday memories, I have had some horrible ones. This blog may step on some toes, but sometimes that is what it takes to heal.
My parents divorced when I was two years old. Looking back, my parents probably never should have married each other. Sorry but that is how I feel about it. While I am sure that my family loved me, I never really allowed myself to be loved. What I did feel was hurt, pain, and unworthiness. I have felt unworthy and unlovable for most of my life.
Did you know that words hurt? They do. What you may throw out as an off hand remark, can scar a person for life. ( I am ashamed that I have done this myself.) I have internal scars that go back as far as I can remember. I have scenes of my unworthiness that play like a movie in my head at all times. This is one reason why I cannot stand complete silence, that lets the movie play on full blast.
I think what hurts the most, is that when I told the person that your words have hurt me, they denied it. They told me 1. they never said it. or 2. to get over it. That may sound easy enough but here I am a 40 year-old woman and sometimes I am still a hurting 9 year-old little girl on the inside.
Because I felt unworthy of love, I shut myself off from those that loved me. I built walls like you would not believe. I swear I could have built the Great Wall of China in half the time. Because of those walls, I would not let anybody in to know the real me. Not my parents, not my friends, not even my beloved Papaw and Mamaw. I was not worthy of their love so I made sure I did not get it. Why was I unworthy, because I was told I was. That is why words hurt.
When I was 23 I went on the Walk to Emmaus. I found out that there are people just like me. I also found out that people will love me just as I am, fluffy rolls and all. It took almost 10 more years before I finally realized that because they love me, I can love myself. I was 33 years-old before I felt okay to love myself. That is so sad.
I am working everyday to love myself unconditionally. It is hard and it hurts. I feel more protected behind the walls. I do not like feeling vulnerable. It scares the beejeezus out of me. I am also working on watching how I talk to people. I admit my fluency in sarcasm has gotten me into trouble with kids who don't understand it, but I am working on it. I also let my students know that I am here if they need me. I cannot make them believe me, but I can be there for when they finally do.
You know I love music, especially after my last blog. Recently a song by Sara Bareilles called "Brave" came out. One day in the car I really listened to the words and I started to cry in the car. I think I am going to be braver from here on out. I am not going to let you hurt me anymore or allow myself to hurt me. So watch out world I am going to bravely roar.
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
Peace out Peeps. I have to be brave and tackle the world now.
P.S. If you are in Garland and you see a fluffy woman jogging, don't panic it's just me working on my JLO booty.
My parents divorced when I was two years old. Looking back, my parents probably never should have married each other. Sorry but that is how I feel about it. While I am sure that my family loved me, I never really allowed myself to be loved. What I did feel was hurt, pain, and unworthiness. I have felt unworthy and unlovable for most of my life.
Did you know that words hurt? They do. What you may throw out as an off hand remark, can scar a person for life. ( I am ashamed that I have done this myself.) I have internal scars that go back as far as I can remember. I have scenes of my unworthiness that play like a movie in my head at all times. This is one reason why I cannot stand complete silence, that lets the movie play on full blast.
I think what hurts the most, is that when I told the person that your words have hurt me, they denied it. They told me 1. they never said it. or 2. to get over it. That may sound easy enough but here I am a 40 year-old woman and sometimes I am still a hurting 9 year-old little girl on the inside.
Because I felt unworthy of love, I shut myself off from those that loved me. I built walls like you would not believe. I swear I could have built the Great Wall of China in half the time. Because of those walls, I would not let anybody in to know the real me. Not my parents, not my friends, not even my beloved Papaw and Mamaw. I was not worthy of their love so I made sure I did not get it. Why was I unworthy, because I was told I was. That is why words hurt.
When I was 23 I went on the Walk to Emmaus. I found out that there are people just like me. I also found out that people will love me just as I am, fluffy rolls and all. It took almost 10 more years before I finally realized that because they love me, I can love myself. I was 33 years-old before I felt okay to love myself. That is so sad.
I am working everyday to love myself unconditionally. It is hard and it hurts. I feel more protected behind the walls. I do not like feeling vulnerable. It scares the beejeezus out of me. I am also working on watching how I talk to people. I admit my fluency in sarcasm has gotten me into trouble with kids who don't understand it, but I am working on it. I also let my students know that I am here if they need me. I cannot make them believe me, but I can be there for when they finally do.
You know I love music, especially after my last blog. Recently a song by Sara Bareilles called "Brave" came out. One day in the car I really listened to the words and I started to cry in the car. I think I am going to be braver from here on out. I am not going to let you hurt me anymore or allow myself to hurt me. So watch out world I am going to bravely roar.
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
Peace out Peeps. I have to be brave and tackle the world now.
P.S. If you are in Garland and you see a fluffy woman jogging, don't panic it's just me working on my JLO booty.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Non-scale victories or stop listening to just the scale!
So let me just start this by saying that last week was a hard week for me. I went to my regular Doctor for blood work (she's actually a vampire), med check, etc.... When I got on the scale, which they make you do by the way, it showed that since August I had not lost any weight. I was many things, mad, hacked, pissed off, discouraged, and most of all felt like a failure.
I told my doctor this and she told me, I am paraphrasing, "Get over yourself. You look different and I can tell you have lost weight." Why is that number so important to me and to people in general? I guess because you are in a sense judged by it everyday.
I went on Friday to my nutritionist, lovingly called "The Food Nazi" or TFN for short and got another shock. I had gained 4 pounds according to her scale. I was really depressed now. To borrow again from the great Stuart Smalley, I had some "stinkin' thinkin'" going on. TFN told me, I am paraphrasing, "Get over yourself." She measured my waist and I have lost three inches since the middle of August. Also, my body fat had finally come down enough to measure. VICTORY! I am gaining muscle.
When I got home, I had my lab results and guess what? I get to stop one of my medications because my blood glucose is so much better. Can I get an Amen for that! I guess I need to start looking at it like this:
1. Don't worry about what the scale says.
2. My blood pressure is the lowest it has been in years.
3. My blood sugar is getting much better.
4. I have more determination.
5. I overeat far less than I used too.
6. I am more persistent. You will not stop me.
7. I am drinking more water.
8. I am eating more fruits and veggies. I still stand by my statement that green beans or English peas will never pass these lips.
9. I have cut down on the fat and sugar.
10. I am moving more. I can do things now that 6 months ago were only a dream.
11. Most importantly, I am more positive about life and myself.
While I do have a goal weight in my mind, I will not be as consumed by what that metal machine says anymore. I am already victorious in my own way.
Peace out Peeps! I have something great to do!
I told my doctor this and she told me, I am paraphrasing, "Get over yourself. You look different and I can tell you have lost weight." Why is that number so important to me and to people in general? I guess because you are in a sense judged by it everyday.
I went on Friday to my nutritionist, lovingly called "The Food Nazi" or TFN for short and got another shock. I had gained 4 pounds according to her scale. I was really depressed now. To borrow again from the great Stuart Smalley, I had some "stinkin' thinkin'" going on. TFN told me, I am paraphrasing, "Get over yourself." She measured my waist and I have lost three inches since the middle of August. Also, my body fat had finally come down enough to measure. VICTORY! I am gaining muscle.
When I got home, I had my lab results and guess what? I get to stop one of my medications because my blood glucose is so much better. Can I get an Amen for that! I guess I need to start looking at it like this:
1. Don't worry about what the scale says.
2. My blood pressure is the lowest it has been in years.
3. My blood sugar is getting much better.
4. I have more determination.
5. I overeat far less than I used too.
6. I am more persistent. You will not stop me.
7. I am drinking more water.
8. I am eating more fruits and veggies. I still stand by my statement that green beans or English peas will never pass these lips.
9. I have cut down on the fat and sugar.
10. I am moving more. I can do things now that 6 months ago were only a dream.
11. Most importantly, I am more positive about life and myself.
While I do have a goal weight in my mind, I will not be as consumed by what that metal machine says anymore. I am already victorious in my own way.
Peace out Peeps! I have something great to do!
Thursday, November 7, 2013
My Roosevelt complex is now a Katy Perry "Roar" statement.
One of my favorite quotes is by my personal hero, Eleanor Roosevelt. The quote is, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I love this quote so much I even this on a poster in my classroom. The only bad part about this, I am apologizing to you Eleanor, is that I did not believe it for many years.
When I was in high school, I was athletic. I played volleyball, basketball and ran track. Even though I did all those things, I still had a bit of a chubby body. I was not fat! I can see that now looking back, but I thought I was the size of Shamu. I constantly compared myself to other girls in my school and felt inferior to them. Did they make me feel inferior? No, I did that all on my own.
When I got to college, I was not athletic. I put myself through college. I am very proud of that fact. I went to school full time, even during the summers, and worked full time. This is not leave much time for me to have the social life of most college students. It also helped in my massive weight gain.
When I started teaching, I was not athletic. I was happy that I had a job that I loved, but I was unhappy with my life. I stuffed my emotions and feelings way down deep with food. I felt like I was inferior to all the other teachers, I still do most of the time even today. I felt I was inferior to others because I was not married and did not have any children. Did my friends make me feel inferior? No. Did my students make me feel inferior? Nope. They loved and accepted me just as I was. The only person making me feel inferior was myself.
I have friends and family and students who love me just as I am. Do my students love me all the time? Nope. I am fairly certain that my friends and family don't love me all the time. I can be a bit of a mess. I have admitted it so it is okay. They do know though (students, friends, and family) that I am there for them and always will be. The only person I ever put on the back burner was myself. Did they make me feel inferior? No, just me.
NO MORE! I am finally taking care of myself. I am not letting others make me feel inferior any more. If you like me great, if you don't like me, that is your loss! I am going to honor my hero, Eleanor Roosevelt, and be more like her. I am not going to be inferior to myself anymore. I am going to become like Katy Perry and "Roar". If you have not listened to that song you really should.
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now
[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Peace out Peeps, I have some roaring to do.
When I was in high school, I was athletic. I played volleyball, basketball and ran track. Even though I did all those things, I still had a bit of a chubby body. I was not fat! I can see that now looking back, but I thought I was the size of Shamu. I constantly compared myself to other girls in my school and felt inferior to them. Did they make me feel inferior? No, I did that all on my own.
When I got to college, I was not athletic. I put myself through college. I am very proud of that fact. I went to school full time, even during the summers, and worked full time. This is not leave much time for me to have the social life of most college students. It also helped in my massive weight gain.
When I started teaching, I was not athletic. I was happy that I had a job that I loved, but I was unhappy with my life. I stuffed my emotions and feelings way down deep with food. I felt like I was inferior to all the other teachers, I still do most of the time even today. I felt I was inferior to others because I was not married and did not have any children. Did my friends make me feel inferior? No. Did my students make me feel inferior? Nope. They loved and accepted me just as I was. The only person making me feel inferior was myself.
I have friends and family and students who love me just as I am. Do my students love me all the time? Nope. I am fairly certain that my friends and family don't love me all the time. I can be a bit of a mess. I have admitted it so it is okay. They do know though (students, friends, and family) that I am there for them and always will be. The only person I ever put on the back burner was myself. Did they make me feel inferior? No, just me.
NO MORE! I am finally taking care of myself. I am not letting others make me feel inferior any more. If you like me great, if you don't like me, that is your loss! I am going to honor my hero, Eleanor Roosevelt, and be more like her. I am not going to be inferior to myself anymore. I am going to become like Katy Perry and "Roar". If you have not listened to that song you really should.
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now
[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Peace out Peeps, I have some roaring to do.
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