It doesn't mean you are weak.

To say that the last two weeks has sucked, would be an understatement.  I have not been this down in a long time.  It was not really one thing, but a bunch of little things that led up to me having a melt down on Saturday.

When I was growing up, I was made to feel as though my feelings did not count.  I would get in trouble if I cried, was scared, got angry. etc....  I was even told that just because I was a teenager, holding down a job, making straight A's and playing athletics, that I did not know the meaning of stress.  When you tell your parent that you love them and you never hear it back, willingly, it can make you shut yourself off emotionally.  That is what happened to me.  I decided that since my feelings did not matter, I would not be allowed to feel them.

I sometimes come off as cold and uncaring to people.  It is not that I did not feel sad or upset, I just did not allow myself to show it.  I did not want to appear as a weak person.  You see I was led to believe that showing emotion, of any kind, meant you were a weak person and I was supposed to be strong.

The problem was that it ended up coming out anyway as anger.  I could get really angry really fast even if that was not what I was feeling.  I could be dying inside, but could not let people see me cry, so I had to show it as anger.  That is not a better way to do it and I am truly sorry for the people that I hurt out of anger.  I just had no other way to show it.

As a fluffy person, I have had many episodes of hurt in my life. There have been many times I have been embarrassed because of my size.  Ever gotten on an airplane and had people look at you like please do not sit next to me?  Ever had to ask for a seat belt extender just so you can get in the seat.  I cannot ride the rides at Six Flags anymore, because I was too big.  As you know last year I decided to do something about it.  I am not where I need to be, but I am farther than where I was.

About three weeks ago, I went to Austin to volunteer for CG Games.  I had a blast and was very inspired to keep going.  You would think that being with my people would be great.  It was except for one person.  Another friend and I were told to stand in one place and keep it clear of people for the relay switch.  No big deal, I am used to herding large groups of people.  One of the trainers, that I do not know, asked what we were doing.  I told him and he kind of laughed and said, "Well these people are gladiators. I hope you can handle them."  I looked at him and said what do you think I am?  I am a gladiator too.  He laughed and said "My bad."  I mean really why else would I have driven to Austin to spend all day volunteering.

This week I made a mistake and was made to feel like a liar and an idiot.  The mistake was not my fault, but I made it just the same.  I cannot tell you how angry I was after that.  I really just wanted to talk to the person and let them know exactly what I thought.  I didn't though and just buried it down deep.

Saturday I got up and went to camp.  I had a fabulous workout and was excited to try cryo therapy for the first time.  We had to take our clothes off and put a robe on.  I took all my clothes off and then put the robe on, it would not fit.  This just brought back all sorts of hurts and pains.  I was embarrassed, ashamed, and felt like a failure.  I went and talked to some friends and it all just poured out.  I was a crying mess when I left and then sat in the car and cried some more.  It was all the strength I had been holding in that I had to let out.

I felt I was being a weak person allowing myself to cry. I talked to some friends and they told me that it was what I needed to get it all out.  I saw a saying that means more now than ever now. "Crying does not make you weak.  It just means you have been strong too long."  That is so true.  I can still be a strong woman and let my emotions out.  I will not be fixed overnight, but I am working really hard on it.  Please be patient as I am working it out.

Peace  out peeps.  I have a day off and I am going to work on myself, if the cat will let me.

Lamentations 3:22-24.

Sometimes....

I am not in a good place right now. Sometimes I really just want to give up. I try very hard and don't seem to make progress. Am I perfect, no. Do I make mistakes, yes. I am trying, I truly am.  It is not easy being an overweight person. I am tired of being overweight. I am sick of the stigma that comes with it and the ridicule. Just last week one of my students told me that when I lift my arms, they laugh about how it looks like I have bean bags hanging from my arms. Nice right? Just what a person wants to hear about themselves.

I have decided that I am going to have to try harder in my life. If I have to run myself into the ground, I will in order to succeed. I am not going to fail at this.

Inspirations

I have made no secret that one of my personal heroes is Eleanor Roosevelt.  I think I like her so much, because she pretty much defined herself.  I have always wanted to define myself and never really had the faith or courage to do so.  I found this site, 31 Days of Daily Inspiration for women.  As I was looking at it, I was struck by how true many of these saying are and how they apply to me and my struggle and journey.

"We gain strength, courage and confidence every time we look fear in the face. We must do that which we think we cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt.  A couple of years ago, they sent a flyer around school for a free trial boot camp, not Camp Gladiator.  Some coworkers said I should try it.  I told them I was going to die if I did that.  I was so out of shape that I could not possibly be able to take on something like that.  While part of that was true, the real truth was that I was terrified of trying anything like that.  I was afraid of what I would look like trying to do it and embarrassing myself.  Funny, because these days, you cannot keep me away from camp.

"Don't give up the search for happiness because you're afraid of getting hurt."  Martha Raye Where was this quote when I was younger?  I lived in constant fear of getting hurt or rejected, so I just gave up trying.  I was also brought up to believe that I was not good enough to be happy.  Nothing I did was good enough or just "enough."  I have since learned that was all a big lie.  I can honestly say that I am happy.  I have a great job, friends, family and support system around me.  I am making myself a better person.  Do I have down and sad days?  Of course, but they are lessening and not nearly as severe as they used to be.

"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me."  Ayn Rand  Amen, amen, amen!  If you know me, I mean truly know me, you know that once my mind is set, there is no going back.  I did however spend a great deal of time in my life, hiding my true self because I let people influence and stop me.  I was afraid of making them mad or disappointing them, so I just because a little robot and did whatever they told me too.  To compensate for that, I was eating like crazy.  I figured that was the one thing I could control.  The funny thing was, it ended up controlling me.  When I finally realized, in my early 30's, that I was my own person and could use my voice, I did.  No longer do I let people tell me what to do.  If I do not want to do it, I am not going too.  Since my mind is set on this journey, you are not going to be able to stop me.  I will have setbacks, but no stopping now.

So I guess, I have reached the end of this post for today.  I am not finished by any means, but for today I am.  I will leave you with this bit of inspiration.  "You are your best thing."  Toni Morrison.  Remember peeps, and self, that you are beautiful, worthy, loved and capable and you are the best thing about you.

Peace out peeps.  I got some inspiring to do.

What a last two weeks.

Ok, ok, I admit it.  I am a stress eater.  I try really hard to keep it under control, but the beginning of school always gets me.  First, I have to sit in days worth of meetings and trainings.  I am not used to this, I need to be active.  I hate having to sit there and listen to other people tell me things that I may already know.  Also, teachers are the worst students.  They act in a way that you would never accept from a student.  Second, these meeting make me tense and I just want to crawl inside my little turtle shell.  Lastly, although I am fairly flexible and will go with the flow, I work with people who are not.  The complaining really gets to me.

All of these things together, stress me out and I shove food down my mouth as quickly as I can.  I always feel guilty about it afterward.  It really makes me dislike myself when I do it.  I feel as though I have failed somehow.  I will even eat things that I don't like, with the exception of green beans, just to satisfy my need to eat.  The sad thing is, if I was a drinker, I could hide that.  If I was on drugs, I could hide that.  As an eater, that I cannot hide.  You can see it.  People look down on you for that.  It is sad that those vices are perceived as more acceptable than being heavy.

I was not able to work out as much as I would have liked this last week.  I had work responsibilities that kept me from working out.  I hated it.  I miss my friends, I missed my trainer, and I missed the release of stress that comes over me when I work out.  I will have to find someway to replace that when I cannot get to camp.

Lastly, sometimes I really don't like how people see me.  I went on Saturday to two different sporting goods stores to buy new weights for camp.  When a fluffy woman walks in , they don't want to help you and look at you like why are you here?  I walked in and one guy said, they are over there.  As I was walking over there, another employee acted shocked to see me in a store.  What?!?  Not everybody is a size 2.  I cannot wait to go back there and have a Pretty Woman scene to all that wouldn't help me.

Okay enough venting.  I am having a great first week of school.  I am still trying to get back into the routine and learn all the kids names.  I think some of them think I am a bit crazy, but that is a good thing right?

So I am going to try to stay as stress free as possible and keep from stress eating.  I hope you will help to keep me accountable.

Peace out peeps.  I hope you all have a great week.  Me, I am going to keep moving forward and not looking back.

My struggle with depression.

First, let me say that although I never knew Robin Williams personally, I thought he was a great actor.  He made me laugh when I was a kid watching Mork and Mindy, and made me cry like a baby with Dead Poet's Society.  Like Mr. Williams, I am a sufferer of depression.  I have suffered with it since the age of 13.  This blog is from my point of view and my experiences.  I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV.  I can only speak for myself. Not everyone with depression is the same, nor do they all exhibit in the same way. this is just my way.

When I turned about the age of 13, I really became a different person on the inside.  I started having my feelings of worthlessness.  I have felt this way almost everyday of my life since.  I know in my heart that I am not worthless, but sometimes it is hard to convince the brain.  When people compliment me, it makes me uncomfortable.  I will smile, nod, say thank you, or deflect by saying something else.  The reason I do this is because I feel unworthy of having the compliment.  I am working on this and trying to become better at accepting the compliment, but again it is hard to convince the brain.

One thing that I think people should know is that just because you are depressed, it does not mean that you are sad all the time.  Yes there are MANY times when I am upset and cry.  There are MANY times when I just want to crawl into a ball and stay under the covers.  I have been working out and started crying while working out.  I have been at work and started crying.  With that said, I love to laugh and have fun. I can be the life of the party on occasion.  My friends have made me laugh so hard I have turned purple.  There is always that part of me behind the laughter and fun though that wants to stop it.  I have to work very hard to put that in the back of my mind.

A major thing that happened to me as I got older is that I tried to combat the depression by overeating.  It was how I tried to cope.  Since I was spinning out of control on the inside, this was the one thing I thought I could control.  The crazy thing was that the more I ate, the more out of control I got.  This also made me more depressed.  Vicious cycle I know.  Because I have started my getting fitter, healthier and sexier journey, I cannot use food anymore.  I now exercise.  Maybe I have become addicted to exercise, but it is better for me than eating.

I also suffer from insomnia.  While some who are depressed sleep all the time, I am the opposite.  I have to sleep with the TV on in order for my brain to shut off.  Even with that, I have not slept through the night in over 20 years.  I will wake up several times and then have to go back to sleep.  There are times when I am exhausted and cannot fall asleep for hours.  Also there are times when I will fall asleep then wake up two hours later and be up the rest of the night.  Everybody is different and how I show signs, may not be how you do it.

When I was younger I did have thoughts of suicide.  I felt worthless, unloved and unlovable.  I thought it would be much easier to just end it all.  I truly thought nobody would miss me if I left the earth.  I planned it out and knew how I was going to do it, but something stopped me.  It could be God. It could be that I am a big coward.  I don't know.  I do know that at my deepest, darkest point, had I been determined, nothing would have stopped me.

A couple of things always bother me when talking to people about this.  1. They look me in the eye and tell me to get over it.  Don't you think I would if I could?  Do you really think that I want to have these thoughts and feelings?  2.  If you prayed harder, God will take this from you.  Really?!?  I have prayed and I have a relationship with God.  I do not think he has done this to me as a punishment that I need to ask forgiveness for.  I am certain he is using this for some greater purpose. 3.  It will get better.  When you are in the very bottom of the pit, you see no way out.  Telling me it will get better is like cutting my finger off and putting a band aid on it.  It will not help.

I wear a mask everyday.  I put on the mask that is happy and smiling.  Sometimes that is a true mask and represents exactly how I am.  Other times, it is a facade and I am just trying to hide the darkness that if brimming over the top.  I have been told that I wear my emotions on my face, and that is probably true.  If you see me and I seem down, ask me how I am.  I will tell you how I am doing, probably.  I don't need you to try and fix me, I just need you to be there to hold me up.  I take medication to help combat my thoughts and it has helped tremendously.  It does not stop the feelings from happening though.  Understand that I am not a bad, crazy or sick person.  I am just a person.  I am a teacher, friend, sister, daughter, aunt and Gladiator.  I will survive.

Peace out peeps.

That bear crawl and what it taught me.

Let me start by saying I hate bear crawls.  Oh I don't mind one or two, but to bear crawl the entire length of the football field is something else all together. A week ago I did one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.  I bear crawled the length of a football field dragging a 50 pound weight behind me and I learned somethings while doing it.

1. I am stronger than I ever thought I was.  I am not just talking physically, but also mentally.  I really had to get out of my head and push through.  It was not easy and I hated every minute of it, but I did it.  My arms, legs, hips and shoulders were hurting pretty bad.  I could not breathe, sweat was dripping down into my eyes making it hard to see, but I did it.  They may not have been the prettiest bear crawls but I did them.

2.  I have a great support system around me. My trainer, Carrie Monroe, was the person timing me.  Did I forget to mention that we were being timed?  I am not sure that I could have done it for any other trainer but her.  She knows exactly how to push me to my limits.  She had me go for 15 seconds then rest for 5 seconds.  When I felt like giving up, she told me to keep going.  I had many friends who surrounded me and gave me encouragement to keep on crawling.  I could hear them telling me I could do it and I did it.  Truly without my support system, I would not be where I am now.  I was sure though that Rick was standing on the weight at the end.

3. I have come a long way baby.  If a year ago you had told me that I would be willingly doing this, I would have laughed in your face.  You see I hated how I was before and I wanted to be better, but I did not have the strength to do it.  I found the right people to help me and guide me to the place I need to be.  I am not there yet, but I am farther than I was before.  Next year when I do this again, I will murder that bear crawl.

4. I used to carry that weight all the time.  When you start dragging that weight, you can feel it pulling you down.  I have lost 50 pounds, so I used to carry that weight with me all the time.  The way that I felt while doing the bear crawl was how I used to feel all the time.  I hurt, couldn't breathe and struggled just to move.  I hated that I would walk from my classroom to the office and be so out of breath that I couldn't talk.  I could not climb stairs without having to stop. If I dropped anything on the floor, it was a struggle to pick it up and sometimes I just left it where it was.  As I crossed that finish line, dragging my past behind me, I decided to leave that 50 pounds on the field.  I am not picking it back up.  I have another 50 to go and I will get there.  Who knows next year maybe I will try to drag 100 pounds behind me.

Peace out peeps, I have some great things "weighting" for me.

It used to and I guess sometimes still does bother me.

I have always been what I considered fluffy.  Even when I was at my thinnest, size 8, I felt like I was an enormous cow.  I know it is completely ridiculous, but it is the truth.  Now, I would kill to be a size 8.  You see even though I was athletic, active, smart and popular in high school, I always wanted something that I could not attain, perfection.  This led to some of my self esteem issues.  Even with friends who adored me, I always felt alone.  When I got to college, I had to work full time and go to school full time.  This did not leave much time to be active and so I gained lots of weight.

If I am being completely honest though, I think one reason that I gained so much weight is that I used it as a shield to protect me from people.  It worked in a good and bad way.  You see I am an introvert.  This does not mean that I do not like people, or do not talk to people, I just feel better being inside my hamster ball.  I love my friends and I love to laugh and have a great time, the problem lies when I have to go alone into groups of people.  That is when I become a turtle so to speak.  With the weight piling on, I felt secure that people could not get to me.  It was like my armor in a way.

The thing is that it worked too well sometimes.  Sad to say when some people see a fluffy person, they ignore, avoid, or disregard them.  I am a person, I have feelings.  I also have a wicked sense of humor once you get to know me.  But if all you see is the outside, then you never get to know me.  This led me to be alone for most of my adult life.

Up until last year, I did not wear bright colors.  I did not want to draw attention to myself.  I tried to blend into the background and be unseen.  You see I was uncomfortable with myself.  I did not like myself very much because of the weight I had piled on.  It is hard to realize what it limits you to doing when you are big.  Getting down in the floor takes effort, climbing anything scares me, and you get winded just walking in the store.  I reached a point where I could not do it any more.

I used to never show my arms in public.  They are flabby and covered in stretch marks.  This used to really bother me.  I guess I thought that if people saw my arms, they would think I was fat.  Well I guess the rest of me did not say that just the arms.  Since I have been on my journey to wellness, I let the arms fly.  I have worked out in tank tops, worn sleeveless shirts, and my sundresses without a shrug.  My arms are still flabby and they are still covered in stretch marks, but they are shrinking and I am developing muscles in them.  Now I look at them as a badge of pride.  Yes they are not going to be on the cover of any magazine, but they are mine.  You either like them or you don't.  Funny and true story.  I had a student in the 6th grade that I really enjoyed, it was like we had the same sense of humor.  Anyway when he was in the 8th grade, I was wearing a dress with a shrug on top.  "Ms. Strickland, that is a lovely ensemble you have on."  "Thanks, I wear the sweater because I have fat arms.  I am trying to hide them."  "You have lovely arms.  Some people even like fat arms, they find them attractive."  Nothing like a kid to change your view on something.

I guess my point is this, I am starting to become comfortable with myself.  I am who I am and you can like it or not.

Peace out peeps.  I am getting ready to take my arms to workout and let them feel the fresh air.

Keep on trucking.

Hello Peeps, I am sorry I have been away so long.  The end of school was crazy for me and I have taken time to just relax.  Now down to business.

How have you spend your summer?  Well I have been working out in the heat and the sun.  I have also been walking with my buddies.  If you had told me a year ago, that I would WILLINGLY workout for an hour in the heat everyday, I would have said you are nuts.  I am doing it though and I love every minute of it.  I have a great support system and cheerleaders who keep me accountable and keep me motivated.

One problem I have with summer is that I get bored.  Don't get me wrong, I look forward to the end of school just like the kids, but I like and need the routine.  What happens is that when I am not in my routine, I get bored.  When I get bored I want to do one of two things: spend money or eat.  I am working very hard on both.  Since this blog is about my journey, I will talk about the food part.

Over the past year, I have learned new ways to eat.  It is not always easy and sometimes I go off the rails and cheat.  I feel pretty bad when I cheat while I am doing it and then after.  You see food has always been my friend.  It is hard to let go of that friendship. I am finding though that for the most part the foods that I used to crave, I don't anymore.  Also, I think about how hard I will have to work to get rid of what I have eaten.

When I get bored, I eat.  To help me with that part, I have started keeping fruit, yogurt, and healthier snacks in the house.  If I don't have the junk, I can't eat the junk.  I also drink lots and lots and lots of water.  You cannot snack doing that unless you want to snack in the bathroom. lol.

When I get bored, I exercise.  I know it is a shocker for those that know me, but I love to exercise now.  I still hate running, I have not gone crazy.  If it were not for exercise, I am not sure I could have made it this far.  I love CG!  I also love to go on walks with buddies.  It is great to be with a friend and walk and talk about your day.  I have seen ducks, snacks, scorpions, etc....  It is like a mini adventure each time.

Now I know you may be thinking that you are not fit enough to exercise.  HELLO!!!!!  That is how you get fit by exercising.  I cannot do everything.  I am slower than most in my group, but I AM OUT THERE!  I am doing it and getting faster, better, stronger, and sexier everyday.  You don't have to be great or in great shape, just start.

If you ever need someone to walk with, talk with or ask questions to, I am here.  I have been there, I am still there, and I will finish this race.

Peace out Peeps.  I have to get to bed early, I have great things to do tomorrow.

And so begins the next part of the journey.

Sorry peeps for taking this long to write again,  I have been busy, busy, busy.  Since writing I have had a birthday, had allergies attack, allergies attacked harder, lost my voice, given the STAAR test, and worked out.  One good thing from getting sick is that when I went to the doctor, my blood pressure was 108/62!  That's right, it was that low.  I know you are jealous.

Can I have a drum roll please?!?!  Okay I will drum roll myself.  I have now broken 300 pounds for good.  I  now weigh 295 pounds.  So I have hit two of my goals; 1. to be below 300 pounds and 2. to have lost 40 pounds.  I have lost 43.2 pounds so far.  On top of that, in the last six weeks, I lost 9.2 pounds and 7.2 pounds of that was pure fat.  That's right folks, I lost the weight of a newborn baby just in fat.

I am also dealing with stress so much better.  Before, when I was very stressed, I would eat anything and everything that you put in front of me.  I would eat an entire jumbo bag of M&M's.  I would eat anything deep fat fried and covered in gravy.  While I do still crave those things, I am not going to lie and say I don't, I do not result to that anymore.  I really love to exercise my stress off.  Please get up off the floor. It is true.  After a workout if I still feel stressed, I talk to someone, even if it is just by text messages.  It really helps to make me feel better.

I have to say this and be honest.  I hate to run, but I love to exercise.  I miss my workouts if I cannot go.  I miss my trainer, my friends, being outside with the grass and bugs.  I love it all.  If you had asked me 6 months ago if that was the case, I would have laughed in your face.  I am not perfect and I do not have all the answers.  I am just blogging about what has worked and is working for me.

My next goal I want to hit is 275, so I have 20 pounds to go.  I hope to hit that by the time school starts up in August.  I really want to walk into inservice and have show my coworkers that I:

Peace out peeps.  I am going home to rest up I have lots of outdoor activites to get in the weekend.  What will you be doing?

What a difference a decade makes!

Now that my birthday is fast approaching, I have looked back at where I have come from and it has been a crazy ride.
I remember my 30th birthday was spent at Ector Elementary School.  I came to work and there was a sign and balloons on my classroom door.They sang happy birthday to me over the intercom, the kids all wished my happy birthday and I had cake.  The year I turned 30 is also when I started to fall apart.  I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and started to take medicine.  I had been on anti-depressants for years before hand, so taking medicine was nothing new.  I have to admit it did scare me a bit.

A couple of years after that, I got the news that scared me.  I was told I had Type 2 Diabetes.  This added yet another medication to my list and a new lifestyle, in theory.  I admit that I made tons of mistakes and did not take care of myself like I should have.  I fully admit that I ate too much and all the wrong things.  I did not exercise at all.  My school at the time had stairs and sometimes I had to climb them to get places.  I hated that I had to wait at the top for a couple of minutes to catch my breath.  I was a complete wreck.

This went on for a couple of years.  I kept eating and not exercising.  I kept getting bigger and bigger.  I don't like to admit it, but I think I hated myself just a bit.  I had always used food as a comfort and friend.  I also blamed the food for making me fat.  The food did not make me fat, I did.  I made myself fat in an effort to crush the hurts that I had held inside for so long.

When I turned 40, I decided enough is enough.  The doctor, that I had had since I was at least 12, was not really working for me.  You had to wait for hours to get into the office, you never got a copy of your lab results, and heaven forbid if he prescribed you a new medication, because they would never let you know that you needed to take it.  I asked around school and go the name of a doctor.  I have to say that I love her.  I don't have to wait forever and I can even email her a question.  She, as you know, got me connected with TFN, and through her Camp Gladiator.

Let me tell you an honest answer, without all of those things happening, I would not be here today.  I have a great support system, that I did not have before.  I am changing my bad habits into good habits and actually look forward to sweating my buns off 4 days a week.  I have lost weight, gained muscle, made friends, made lifestyle changes, and I am becoming the true me that I hid under layers of fat and blubber.

It is not easy.  Sometimes it is not fun, like when I went to the hockey game and wanted a Nestle Tollhouse cookie so bad I wanted to cry.  It is all worth it though.  My only regret is that I did not start sooner.

Peace out peeps.  I have to go get ready to get my gladiator face on so I can take on the world.

Well what do you know....

So in the past couple of weeks great things have been happening.  I have made several gains in this time period.  Namely I have done two 5k's since spring break.  I know right?!  Hard to believe for me too.

Here is the really crazy part, I did not want to do either one of them.  As you know, I have been doing Camp Gladiator, CG, since November.  While it is hard work and I am physically tired after it is over, I love every minute of it.  During Spring Break, my trainer told us that we would be doing something a bit different for one camp, a 5K.  I did not have to go.  I did not really want to go.  Something inside me told me to try it.  What was the worst that could happen?  1. Not finish  2. Die.  So as nervous and as sick to my stomach as I had been all day, I went.

My friends were there to run with me and cheer me on.  I could not have done it without them.  Now let me just say that I AM SLOW!   I know I am slow when I run.  I will get faster, but right now I am slow.  I knew I would not be able to keep up.  I was fine with that.  As long as I knew the trail to go on and my phone playing tunes, I as good to go.  Right off the bat, I fell behind.  Not only did we have to run, we also had to do exercises between the runs.  While others were doing their exercises, that's when I caught up.

I just kept right on trucking. I walked some, I ran some, I just kept moving.  That is what is important, just keep moving.  Then things started to happen.  My calves which had been killing me, started to loosen up.  My trainer actually slowed down and started to run/walk with me.  She did not have too, but she did. She made sure I kept going.

It was not easy, when I was not even half way finished, there were others in our group coming back for the home stretch.  I got some strange looks from people who were walking dogs or walking themselves.  It was like they had never seen a fat woman jog before.  Did I want to quit? Yes!  Was I out of breath? Yes!  Did I stop? Not on your life.

When I was close to the end, I was tired and worn out.  All I wanted to do was finish.  My legs hurt, my arms hurt, and I could not breathe.  I kept on going though.  My friends were close to the end themselves.  They slowed down to run me back to the end.  One friend even though she had finished came back to help me run the last little bit.  See we have kind of a motto, "We have all been there and nobody gets left behind." How great is that for an exercise group.  I know that right now I am not the fastest or the strongest.  I cannot run for miles like some of my fellow campers, but I will get there.  When I do get there, I am going to make sure that I never leave anyone behind and encourage those who are struggling.

I have two more 5k's to do this year.  Maybe I will do more before the year is over.  You never know with me.  Who would ever have imagined that I would be doing this.

Peace out Peeps and keep on going and going and going....

Failure in not an option!

Today has really and truly stunk.  I have been working my behind off.  I have been working out, drinking more water, watching what I eat, and I have only lost 1.2 pounds.  I did lose 4 inches from my waist, so that is good.  The thing is, it makes me feel like a failure.  I have actually cried several times today.  It makes me feel like I am letting people down.

I have failed many times before, so it is nothing new.  I have dieted and failed.  I have exercised and failed.  I have done both and failed.  I have failed myself as well.  I have let myself down more times than I can imagine. I hate the feeling of being a failure.  I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!  I have been successful in many aspects of my life, but weight has been my constant albatross.

I will be trying harder.  I will be doing better.  I will not let others down. I will not let myself down this time. I will succeed and bring my sexy back.  Please help me to not become discouraged too badly.  I am easily discouraged, but I have many, many people in my corner, cheering me on.  I even have friends who said if I died during the run yesterday, they would cremate me and put my ashes on Adam Levine.  That is support right there.  I also had people who slowed their pace and ran/walked with me.  Thanks for that.  I would have quit long ago if not for you.

I promise to not let this set back, set me back.  I will keep on going and pushing and working hard.  Thanks for cheering me on.

Peace out peeps. I have sore legs to massage from my running yesterday.

It's Spring Break, now what ......

Okay so today starts my Spring Break.  The kids have asked me what I was doing for this time off.  As much as I would love to tell them that I am jetting off to some exotic place, the truth is I am staying close to home.  I need time to recharge myself.  I am going to do things that I think are fun and relaxing.  This has been a stressful week. While I love my job and my students, we need a break from each other. Why you ask?  Benchmark testing.  If you don't know what that is like, let me paint a picture. Imagine being on a three day car trip with your family.  You are in the car all day together. Nobody can talk, no phones, no tv, no computers etc....  Even when your family stops for lunch breaks, no talking. Your only options are to read a book or sleep.  That is it!!!  Sounds like a lot of fun doesn't it.  That is why we need a break from each other.

I love spring.  I always have.  One thing I am hoping for is that this will be my last "fat" spring.  I am not expecting to be super model thin, I just want to look better and not as lumpy in my cool spring clothes.  I love the colors of spring, but I find myself not wanting to wear the bright colors.  I don't want to wear them because that would mean drawing attention to myself.  As much as I love people, I don't want the attention on me.  I have a big problem with self-esteem.  It stems from growing up being told you are not now nor will you ever be good enough.  So if I cannot be good enough, then I just need to hang back in the shadows and not cause waves.  If you are a reader of this blog, you know my struggles and how I have gotten better, but it still lingers a bit.

So this spring I am going to take care of me.  I am going to celebrate every tiny success that I have in the next six weeks.  I am going to read, relax and refresh.  I am going to come back renewed and with a better attitude towards myself and my journey.

Part of being renewed and refreshed is going to some work outs.  I always feel better after I have done a work out.  It is a great way to release stress.

Peace out Peeps!  I have to get my refreshing, relaxing, renewing awesome on.



Lessons learned.

Let me tell you, today I am sore.  There is not a part of my body that does not hurt in someway.  I worked hard last night.  I am not sorry I did it.  Did I love every minute of it? No! Did I feel better after I did it? ABSOLUTELY!!!

Since I have started on my journey to bring the sexy back, I have learned a couple of thing.  These are just my observations and truths.

1.   You have to start somewhere.  When I first started, I did not want to exercise at all.  I told myself that I could do it without doing anything harder than walking.  Wow, was I wrong!  Did I think that I would be doing Camp Gladiator?  Are you kidding me?  I never thought that I would be able to do it.  I was pushed into doing it.  I hated every minute of it, but you know what, I kept coming back for more.

2.  Patience is a virtue.  One thing that I have learned on this journey and from my "Food Nazi/ Wellness Coach" is that it takes time and patience to do it the right way.  I fully admit that I lack patience on many levels.  I am also very easily discouraged because I am very hard on myself.  I wanted instant results and to have lost 100 pounds by now.  I set unrealistic goals for myself.  I am not always perfect, but I am working on it and getting better.  I have come to realize that if it is worth doing, it is worth doing correctly and to the fullest.  If that means I have to wait a bit longer for my Adam Levine ready body, I will.

3.  You are only competing with yourself.  This was a BIGGIE for me.  When I started working out, I was with, and still am with, people who had been doing it longer, in much better shape and faster.  This can be disheartening.  Nobody likes to be the last one across the finish line.  It could feel like picking teams all over again and you are always the last one finished.  I hate the feeling of possibly letting someone in my group down because I am not as fast or strong as they are.  We do a great deal of running.  I am always the last one done.  Do people put me down because of it? Nope.  I have a cheering section that encourages me.  Some with even run with me and push me to make sure I don't give up.  I know we all have to start somewhere, so don't compare yourself to what they can do.  Compare yourself to what you did and have done better.

4.  Stay away from the negative.  I was put down a great deal growing up.  I was never good enough and would never be good enough.  It makes you not want to try, because you will certainly fail anyway.  It has taken me years to realize that the people who did that were hurting inside too, and the way that made them feel better was to make me feel bad.  I am sorry for them.  I am a pretty strong person to have come out the other side.  I put myself through college.  I went to school full time and worked full time.  I have friends who love and care for me.  I don't need the small people to make me feel bad about myself anymore.  I am a Child of God and therefore great no matter what you say.

5.   You have to have friends to support you.  Without my friends I would not have gone to CG, I would not have stayed with CG, and I would not have made the great group of friends I have now.  We can actually joke and laugh while exercising.  We cheer each other on, work as a team, and even come up with ways our trainer is trying to kill us.  When I am not with them, I miss them.  I want to give a big High Five and a CG Wut Wut to my girls, my food nazi, and yes my trainer.  Thanks for letting me lean on you and knowing that you are there.



Peace out peeps!  I have to go and take some motrin.  I am sore and loving every minute of it.

Happy, happy, happy

It has been a great week peeps.  I had to go to the doctor on Tuesday to have lab work done. Oh the joys of diabetes and high blood pressure.  Anyway when I got on the scale, not my favorite part, I got one of the greatest gifts I have ever gotten.  My weight hit 299 pounds.  This is the first time in 10 years I have been below 300 pounds.  I know to some people it may be like, big deal.  I also know to some people it is like well you are still heavy.  SO WHAT!  I own it and I am proud of it.

As I looked back this week on my accomplishment, I realized a major deal.  I am HAPPY!  I am not just talking about being happy with the weight loss, but in general I am happy.  I am not really sure that in my life I have been happy.  Oh I have had moments of happiness.  I have had great times with friends, family and at work.  I am talking about feeling happy in my soul for the first time in 40 years.  I saw a picture of me taken when I was no more than 6 and you can see the sadness in my eyes even at that age.

  Don't get me wrong I am still cute, but do I look happy?  I don't thing so.  Sad that at that young I was still not happy.

 

Since I have started on my journey to bring the sexy back, I have had to really sit back and think about my life and the choices that I have made that led me to where I am today.  Since I was so unhappy, I ate. I felt it was the only thing that I could control and it ended up controlling me. I woke up thinking about food.  I went to bed thinking about food.  I also used to carry food with me, just in case.

 

Now don't get me wrong, I still think about food.  It is different now though.  I am not controlled by it anymore.  Well not all the time at least.  I have learned to make healthier choices.  I love to exercise, although I am certain sometimes my trainer is trying to kill me.   I have tons more energy now and I can feel my insides changing. I am willing to go out and do things now instead of just holing myself up in the house.  I am also not willing to settle anymore in my relationships.  I am worth more than just settling.

 

Here is a song I have currently become obsessed with.  I guess it is my theme song.  I am happy and not going back. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6Sxv-sUYtM

 

 

 

 

Peace out peeps.  I got some happiness to deal with and I am getting ready for a mud run.                                                                                                                                                                                



"I can't put my arms down!"

Okay, I know it is not Christmas time any more, but it is still cold outside and I love this movie, so deal with it.

Sometimes as a fluffy person, I feel just like this.  I feel bloated, thick, hard to move and I can't put my arms down.  I noticed that since I have started my "bringing sexy back" journey, that my body is changing.  Take my arms for example:  They flap.  I noticed this in my classroom a couple of weeks ago.  I was in front of the class explaining something and I moved my arm.  I heard a strange flapping sound.  I moved my arm again and I heard the noise a second time.  What was the noise?  My arm fat flapping together.  OMG!  I was embarrassed and hoped my students did not hear it.

The strange thing about my arms is that the top part of the arms are getting some definition, dare I say it even muscles.  I guess they are all going to the top, because the bottom just flaps away like a sail.  I know that will not always be the case, but it is sadly true.

Now another body part that is giving my grief is my tummy.  My waist is getting smaller. My pants are feeling looser and I have had to go down in size.  But my tummy still sticks out too much for me.  Now I can do sit ups, straight legged sit ups I might add, without someone having to help me.  I feel a little bit like this.  My trainer, Carrie, is on the left and I am on the right.

We have tried to get her to walk around with treats for us, but alas it was a no go.  Now I know I am not a giant walrus.  Maybe more of an elephant seal, but I also know I am going to get there some day and I will be sleek like a seal.


Don't let the little things get you down is one thing that I have learned this past week.  I did not get to keep my 6 week resolution, but I now know how to fix it.  I am going to be back at being the best Gladiator and seal I can be this week.  Just look out for the flapping arms, they can be dangerous.

Peace out Peeps, I have some flying lessons to attend.

And now for something completely different...

Okay peeps, since last week's blog was pretty heavy, I decided to do something different and funny.  At least I think it is funny.

How my cat is like a teenage girl!

1.   They both ignore me. I cannot tell you the number of times one of my students has ignored me.  I also cannot tell you how many times my cat has ignored me.  "Bailey, want a treat?" Nothing. "Bailey, want a toy?" Nothing.  She will come running though if I open a window or run the can opener.

2.   They both talk back.  Many times I will be on the phone, asleep, playing on the computer, or just trying to relax and I start to hear "Meow," "Meow," "Meow,"  When I tell her to stop and leave me alone, it becomes louder and more persistent.  I think sometimes I have even heard a kitty curse word or two.

3.  They both hate me.  Now since I got Bailey when she was 8 years old and not a kitten, I have always felt that maybe she did not really bond with me like my last cat.  While at times I think oh she really seems to like having me around, other times, usually when it is 2 in the morning, I feel two beady eyes staring at me like I hate you.  As much as I try to be good to her, I always feel a bit disconnected.

4.  They only want me around when it is inconvienent to me.  When I am asleep, in the bathroom, watching tv or heaven forbid reading a book, that is the only time she really seems to want my attention.  My tv remote has two teeth marks from where she has bitten the remote.  If I am reading on my NOOK, she will bite it and try to know it out of my hands.  She will sit in front of the bathroom door and watch me go to the bathroom.  Every morning, around 2 am, she wakes me up to make sure I know she is there.  Then I have to get up, walk to her food dish, point and tell her she has food, and then I can go back to sleep.

5.  They both want me dead.  Okay so maybe not the teenagers, but the cat, I know for sure.  Have you ever felt like you were being watched?  Have you ever felt that at any moment the world could come crashing down?  Well I live with that everyday.  Some mornings I wake up and find her staring at me.  Some times she is sitting in the floor staring at me.  She likes to play with emory boards. Why?  To sharpen her claws for when she decides to go for the jugular.  She even likes to do what they call "kneading biscuits" on different parts of my body. Why?  To see which parts are the fleshiest to see what to eat first when she does me in.  I feel like she has been plotting my death for a while now and if I die under mysterious circumstances, check the cat for DNA! 

 I hope you have enjoyed this, I thought it was funny, comparison.

Peace out Peeps.  I have to go and lock up the knives and scissors just in case.

Here is your notice.

First I want to start off by saying that the opinions, feelings and truths in this blog are mine.  I feel them, I experienced them and I lived them.  I am in no way saying that I was perfect, but in order for me to let the little girl inside of me heal, I have to release what is  holding her inside.

To Whom It May Concern:

Your words, thoughts and ideas have lived inside my brain for too long.  I was not being my true self, because I was trying to live up to ideals that I now realize I will never meet.  I remember some things very vividly, as if they happened only yesterday.  Some things are fleeting glimpses and other are triggered by smells, sounds, or movies.  I am giving you notice to vacate.

To the voice that tells me: "You are too fat, ugly and stupid for anybody to ever love you."  First that is hurtful.  Second it is not true.  I may be and have been fat, but I have never been ugly or stupid.  I am working on the fat part right now so the point is now invalid.  I find it sad that for years I believed you.  I truly did not feel worthy of anyone's love, so I pushed people away who cared for me to prove you right.

To the voice that tells me: "They don't make clothes big enough to fit you."  Well that is just untrue.  They do.  I have never shown up any place without being dressed.  It hurts that in order to make yourself  feel better, you had to hurt me.

To the voice that makes me believe that nobody will like me for who I am.  That is a lie.  I have several people in my life who like and dare I say love me for exactly who I am.  They are not concerned with whose I am.  They could care less who my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles are.  They like and love me just for me.  For ME!  I think this is one reason why even to this day, if someone pays me a compliment I don't believe them.  Why should I?  They are only trying to be nice to me.

To the voice that fills me with anxiety and causes me to not trust people, GET OUT!  I am tired of living with you in my head.  It is bad enough that I grew up just waiting for the other shoe to drop, but now I live my life waiting for every bad thing to happen.  This causes me great stress.  I learned not to trust people because you cannot count on anybody but yourself.  I now realize that is not the case, but when that is what you have been conditioned with, it is hard to break the cycle.  I am learning to be more trusting and if I confide and trust you with my deepest, darkest secrets, feel privileged.  Not everybody gets in.

To my wall building voice:  I am hiring a demolition crew.  I think I must have come out of the womb with a wall built up.  As I think back, even in elementary school I was quiet and standoffish untill I got to know you.  I was and still am so good at building walls that you may not even know I have built one to keep you out.  I have dealt with a lot of hurt and the only way to keep me sane (ok relatively sane) was to build a wall around my heart to protect it.  That also means that people could not get in.

To the voice that tells me: "You will never be good enough!"  Good enough for who?  God loves me.  My friends love me.  Dare I say it even some of my students love me.  Just because I am not good enough for you does not mean I am not good enough.  I remember in high school going from a size 16 to a size 7 over the course of a summer.  I remember going shopping for jeans and being told, "if you just lose 5 more pounds you will be a size 5 like..."  I think that was a damn good accomplishment to get that low.  No wonder I have had a poor self image my entire life.  I would never be able to live up to your level of enough.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I want you (the voices) gone.  I am not going to sacrifice myself anymore just because you have a problem with it.  I am great just as I am and I would not change a thing.  Is there forgiveness? Always.  Is there hope for tomorrow? Yes.  Does healing have to take place? Absolutely.

Peace out Peeps. I have some voices to kick out.

Random thoughts and observations.

I had a frightening experience today.  My face has thinned out so much that when I looked in the mirror today, my mother was staring back at me.  I know that some of you can relate to that.  The worse part of this is that if I look like my mother, then I also look like my grandmother.  Now I love my Mamaw, don't get me wrong, but if you ever see me getting a kinky tight perm and back combing my hair into a beehive on my head.  Shoot me.  I give you permission.

My body is changing.  I have noticed that my skin is getting looser and I have wrinkles where I never had wrinkles before.  I am afraid I am going to look like this when it is all over:

I am glad for the changing though.  I have so much more energy now.  I feel better. I sleep better.  I feel I am in a better mood too.

The only person I am competing with is myself.  This was a hard lesson to learn.  I used to not try if I thought I was not able to do it correctly or like others.  One thing my journey has taught me is that do what you can do and don't worry if you are not keeping up with others.  I have been doing Camp Gladiator since before Thanksgiving and I truly love it.  It is a warm (except for when we are working out in 20 degree weather) and welcoming environment.  There are people of all different fitness levels and sizes.  Some people in my group run marathons.  This used to bother me.  Then I realized that everybody starts somewhere.  Some of them have been exactly where I am now and look what they have accomplished.  So instead of being mad or upset at myself, I just keep my head down and keep trucking on.  I have already made strides, I now can do burpees.  They are not great but I can do them.

I have to do what works for me.  One think I have always hated is someone telling me how I should do something. I know I am not alone in this.  If you tell me to do it, I will do my best to do it my way even if your way is the best.  I have had to let some of that go.  I had to give myself over to CG and the food Nazi and do it there way.  I am seeing results.  Now just because this is the way that works for me, does not mean it will work for you.  I have done WW, Slimfast, starvation....  they did not work for me.  If they work for you, that is great and I am proud for you.  Please don't try to change my way and I will not try to change your way.

My last observation is for my young teenage self and for my female students.  Please know your worth.  You are beautiful just as you are.  You do not have to try and be like anybody else.  Do you!  Do not look at the girls dancing in videos, reality shows, or the skinny supermodels that have been airbrushed on magazines to be your role model.  If you do, you are not being yourself and you are playing into the hands of advertisers.  Be yourself, love yourself, and be good to yourself.  Please do not beat yourself up over not being perfect.  I would hate for you to have to wait until you are 40 to finally realize that you are a great person.

Peace out peeps.  I am going to go and be good to myself and take a nap.  Being fabulous is hard work.

New year and new attitude or what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Okay peeps we are five days into the year 2014, how is it going for  you so far?  I am doing great.  I had a slight hiccup on New Year's Eve that let to great news later in the week.  I went to the gym to work out with a trainer and after twenty minutes I started to feel dizzy.  I sat down on the bench and started sweating, breathing heavy and my body tingled all over.  I actually passed out twice.  The trainer, Ashli, stayed right with me and got me water and wet towels.  After an hour, yes and hour, I finally felt strong enough to drive home.  Ashli followed me home and walked with me all the way to the door.  How awesome is that?  I felt better after I ate some candy, but was still week Jan. 1.  I emailed the doctor my symptoms and guess what, my blood sugar had gotten so low that is why I passed out.  So now that means I am off two meds.  Yea for me.  I got up early Friday and went to work out with Ashli again.  We took it slow and lots of breaks, but I did it.  I also worked out on Saturday too.  So to sum it all up, I did not let it stop me.

As you know I did not make any resolutions this year.  I am taking it six weeks at a time.  So far I am doing great.  I am working out and CG starts tomorrow; my bag is already packed and mat in the car.  As much as I hate it, I love it just as much.  I can really feel a difference in my body.  I actually felt a hip bone today.  It is the little things people.

I know now that if I fail at any point this six weeks, I can always start over.  No need to beat myself up for it.  Before, I would have let this break me and prove to myself that I cannot do it.   Well you can forget that.

I am ignoring voice of doubt.  You can no longer have space in my head.  I will do this.  I do not have to be supermodel skinny.  I just want to be healthy with a nice butt.  That is not too much to ask.

Peace out peeps.  Remember if it doesn't kill you, keep going and eventually you will kill it.