Thursday, October 22, 2015
Sometimes I wonder
Get ready to swim Peeps, this might get deep.
Most of the time, I am happy being single with no children. Sometimes though...... Sometimes I wonder what it is about me that makes me so repellant to the opposite sex. What is it about me that makes no man want to have a conversation with me. Just a good conversation and some laughs it that too much to ask?
See when I was growing up, I was never taught to value myself. I was always supposed to find value in how I was related to other people, never for my own accomplishments. I was always "so and so's daughter, granddaughter, niece, etc...." I was never allowed to be just me. Maybe that is what is wrong with me today, I am not sure.
I stayed in a bad relationship for too long because I was afraid of hitting my late 30's and 40's and being alone. I also liked the idea of having a person just because. It ultimately was not fair to him or me to be in a relationship when I had stopped caring a long time before the end. For that I am sorry.
Now as I look back at my life, I would have liked to have had a child or two. I think I probably would have been a good and caring mom. I will not have that chance now. My eggs have probably dried up and floated away.
I would like to have a companion though. Someone to talk too, laugh with, go on hikes or even runs with. Someone who if I read something in a book, I can tell them all about it. Someone who I can share my crazy student stories with. I really don't think that is too much to ask.
People tell me all the time that the right one will show up, well what if he shows up after I am dead? I guess since I am working out and eating right, I should live long enough to have a supercharged scooter and I can chase the young dudes down the street when I am old. LOL
I guess what I am saying is, it would be nice if even for a little while, I had someone to share my life with.
Peace out Peeps I have a scooter to research.
Monday, January 5, 2015
it's been a while....
Okay peeps, I am back. I am sorry that I was away for so long, but I have been depressed ever since my other boyfriend, Benedict Cumberbatch, got engaged. I will get through this though.
As I look back on 2014, I know that I have grown a lot as a person. I set goals and achieved them. I also set some goals and failed, NO, I just have not achieved them yet. You see, most of the time I think of myself as a weak person. Not physically weak or mentally weak, but emotionally weak. If I feel I cannot achieve what it is I have set my mind too, then I feel like a failure. I then beat myself up for not being the strong person that I thought I was. This is stinkin thinkin. I know it, but have to get past it.
A friend of mine once told me that I was one of the strongest people that she knew. She had no idea what storm was raging on the inside. I am not, by nature a whiner. I do complain sometimes, but mostly out of frustration with people. I learned a long time ago to shut myself off emotionally, that way you can never get hurt. When I have told people some of the thoughts that run through my head, or the "tape" that plays in my head of things that have been said to me, people are shocked that I am able to function as well as I do. I think it would be easy to see how it could break a weaker person.
Someone I met recently had me sit down and talk to her about various things. She then told me that I had several strengths that I had never thought of. This got me to thinking about how strong I truly am. I am not talking about being able to flip a tire and other feats of strength. I am talking about actual mental and emotional strength.
I put myself through college. Strength
I came out of my childhood without turning to alcohol or drugs. Strength
I have great and caring friends. Strength
I have a tremendous support system: CG, family, friends, students, etc... Strength
I am independent. Strength
When I started looking at things like this, I realized I am one tough cookie. Do I still struggle? Absolutely. Am I working on things to help make me better? Absolutely. Yes, there will be times when I fall apart. Yes, there will be times when I fail, but I know that I can keep working on it and at it, because I am stronger than I ever knew I was.
Peace out Peeps. I have some work to do, these emotional muscles will not build themselves.
As I look back on 2014, I know that I have grown a lot as a person. I set goals and achieved them. I also set some goals and failed, NO, I just have not achieved them yet. You see, most of the time I think of myself as a weak person. Not physically weak or mentally weak, but emotionally weak. If I feel I cannot achieve what it is I have set my mind too, then I feel like a failure. I then beat myself up for not being the strong person that I thought I was. This is stinkin thinkin. I know it, but have to get past it.
Someone I met recently had me sit down and talk to her about various things. She then told me that I had several strengths that I had never thought of. This got me to thinking about how strong I truly am. I am not talking about being able to flip a tire and other feats of strength. I am talking about actual mental and emotional strength.
I put myself through college. Strength
I came out of my childhood without turning to alcohol or drugs. Strength
I have great and caring friends. Strength
I have a tremendous support system: CG, family, friends, students, etc... Strength
I am independent. Strength
When I started looking at things like this, I realized I am one tough cookie. Do I still struggle? Absolutely. Am I working on things to help make me better? Absolutely. Yes, there will be times when I fall apart. Yes, there will be times when I fail, but I know that I can keep working on it and at it, because I am stronger than I ever knew I was.
Monday, October 6, 2014
It doesn't mean you are weak.
To say that the last two weeks has sucked, would be an understatement. I have not been this down in a long time. It was not really one thing, but a bunch of little things that led up to me having a melt down on Saturday.
When I was growing up, I was made to feel as though my feelings did not count. I would get in trouble if I cried, was scared, got angry. etc.... I was even told that just because I was a teenager, holding down a job, making straight A's and playing athletics, that I did not know the meaning of stress. When you tell your parent that you love them and you never hear it back, willingly, it can make you shut yourself off emotionally. That is what happened to me. I decided that since my feelings did not matter, I would not be allowed to feel them.
I sometimes come off as cold and uncaring to people. It is not that I did not feel sad or upset, I just did not allow myself to show it. I did not want to appear as a weak person. You see I was led to believe that showing emotion, of any kind, meant you were a weak person and I was supposed to be strong.
The problem was that it ended up coming out anyway as anger. I could get really angry really fast even if that was not what I was feeling. I could be dying inside, but could not let people see me cry, so I had to show it as anger. That is not a better way to do it and I am truly sorry for the people that I hurt out of anger. I just had no other way to show it.
As a fluffy person, I have had many episodes of hurt in my life. There have been many times I have been embarrassed because of my size. Ever gotten on an airplane and had people look at you like please do not sit next to me? Ever had to ask for a seat belt extender just so you can get in the seat. I cannot ride the rides at Six Flags anymore, because I was too big. As you know last year I decided to do something about it. I am not where I need to be, but I am farther than where I was.
About three weeks ago, I went to Austin to volunteer for CG Games. I had a blast and was very inspired to keep going. You would think that being with my people would be great. It was except for one person. Another friend and I were told to stand in one place and keep it clear of people for the relay switch. No big deal, I am used to herding large groups of people. One of the trainers, that I do not know, asked what we were doing. I told him and he kind of laughed and said, "Well these people are gladiators. I hope you can handle them." I looked at him and said what do you think I am? I am a gladiator too. He laughed and said "My bad." I mean really why else would I have driven to Austin to spend all day volunteering.
This week I made a mistake and was made to feel like a liar and an idiot. The mistake was not my fault, but I made it just the same. I cannot tell you how angry I was after that. I really just wanted to talk to the person and let them know exactly what I thought. I didn't though and just buried it down deep.
Saturday I got up and went to camp. I had a fabulous workout and was excited to try cryo therapy for the first time. We had to take our clothes off and put a robe on. I took all my clothes off and then put the robe on, it would not fit. This just brought back all sorts of hurts and pains. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and felt like a failure. I went and talked to some friends and it all just poured out. I was a crying mess when I left and then sat in the car and cried some more. It was all the strength I had been holding in that I had to let out.
I felt I was being a weak person allowing myself to cry. I talked to some friends and they told me that it was what I needed to get it all out. I saw a saying that means more now than ever now. "Crying does not make you weak. It just means you have been strong too long." That is so true. I can still be a strong woman and let my emotions out. I will not be fixed overnight, but I am working really hard on it. Please be patient as I am working it out.
Peace out peeps. I have a day off and I am going to work on myself, if the cat will let me.
Lamentations 3:22-24.
When I was growing up, I was made to feel as though my feelings did not count. I would get in trouble if I cried, was scared, got angry. etc.... I was even told that just because I was a teenager, holding down a job, making straight A's and playing athletics, that I did not know the meaning of stress. When you tell your parent that you love them and you never hear it back, willingly, it can make you shut yourself off emotionally. That is what happened to me. I decided that since my feelings did not matter, I would not be allowed to feel them.
I sometimes come off as cold and uncaring to people. It is not that I did not feel sad or upset, I just did not allow myself to show it. I did not want to appear as a weak person. You see I was led to believe that showing emotion, of any kind, meant you were a weak person and I was supposed to be strong.
The problem was that it ended up coming out anyway as anger. I could get really angry really fast even if that was not what I was feeling. I could be dying inside, but could not let people see me cry, so I had to show it as anger. That is not a better way to do it and I am truly sorry for the people that I hurt out of anger. I just had no other way to show it.
As a fluffy person, I have had many episodes of hurt in my life. There have been many times I have been embarrassed because of my size. Ever gotten on an airplane and had people look at you like please do not sit next to me? Ever had to ask for a seat belt extender just so you can get in the seat. I cannot ride the rides at Six Flags anymore, because I was too big. As you know last year I decided to do something about it. I am not where I need to be, but I am farther than where I was.
About three weeks ago, I went to Austin to volunteer for CG Games. I had a blast and was very inspired to keep going. You would think that being with my people would be great. It was except for one person. Another friend and I were told to stand in one place and keep it clear of people for the relay switch. No big deal, I am used to herding large groups of people. One of the trainers, that I do not know, asked what we were doing. I told him and he kind of laughed and said, "Well these people are gladiators. I hope you can handle them." I looked at him and said what do you think I am? I am a gladiator too. He laughed and said "My bad." I mean really why else would I have driven to Austin to spend all day volunteering.
This week I made a mistake and was made to feel like a liar and an idiot. The mistake was not my fault, but I made it just the same. I cannot tell you how angry I was after that. I really just wanted to talk to the person and let them know exactly what I thought. I didn't though and just buried it down deep.
Saturday I got up and went to camp. I had a fabulous workout and was excited to try cryo therapy for the first time. We had to take our clothes off and put a robe on. I took all my clothes off and then put the robe on, it would not fit. This just brought back all sorts of hurts and pains. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and felt like a failure. I went and talked to some friends and it all just poured out. I was a crying mess when I left and then sat in the car and cried some more. It was all the strength I had been holding in that I had to let out.
I felt I was being a weak person allowing myself to cry. I talked to some friends and they told me that it was what I needed to get it all out. I saw a saying that means more now than ever now. "Crying does not make you weak. It just means you have been strong too long." That is so true. I can still be a strong woman and let my emotions out. I will not be fixed overnight, but I am working really hard on it. Please be patient as I am working it out.
Peace out peeps. I have a day off and I am going to work on myself, if the cat will let me.
Lamentations 3:22-24.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Sometimes....
I am not in a good place right now. Sometimes I really just want to give up. I try very hard and don't seem to make progress. Am I perfect, no. Do I make mistakes, yes. I am trying, I truly am. It is not easy being an overweight person. I am tired of being overweight. I am sick of the stigma that comes with it and the ridicule. Just last week one of my students told me that when I lift my arms, they laugh about how it looks like I have bean bags hanging from my arms. Nice right? Just what a person wants to hear about themselves.
I have decided that I am going to have to try harder in my life. If I have to run myself into the ground, I will in order to succeed. I am not going to fail at this.
I have decided that I am going to have to try harder in my life. If I have to run myself into the ground, I will in order to succeed. I am not going to fail at this.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Inspirations
I have made no secret that one of my personal heroes is Eleanor Roosevelt. I think I like her so much, because she pretty much defined herself. I have always wanted to define myself and never really had the faith or courage to do so. I found this site, 31 Days of Daily Inspiration for women. As I was looking at it, I was struck by how true many of these saying are and how they apply to me and my struggle and journey.
"We gain strength, courage and confidence every time we look fear in the face. We must do that which we think we cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt. A couple of years ago, they sent a flyer around school for a free trial boot camp, not Camp Gladiator. Some coworkers said I should try it. I told them I was going to die if I did that. I was so out of shape that I could not possibly be able to take on something like that. While part of that was true, the real truth was that I was terrified of trying anything like that. I was afraid of what I would look like trying to do it and embarrassing myself. Funny, because these days, you cannot keep me away from camp.
"Don't give up the search for happiness because you're afraid of getting hurt." Martha Raye Where was this quote when I was younger? I lived in constant fear of getting hurt or rejected, so I just gave up trying. I was also brought up to believe that I was not good enough to be happy. Nothing I did was good enough or just "enough." I have since learned that was all a big lie. I can honestly say that I am happy. I have a great job, friends, family and support system around me. I am making myself a better person. Do I have down and sad days? Of course, but they are lessening and not nearly as severe as they used to be.
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." Ayn Rand Amen, amen, amen! If you know me, I mean truly know me, you know that once my mind is set, there is no going back. I did however spend a great deal of time in my life, hiding my true self because I let people influence and stop me. I was afraid of making them mad or disappointing them, so I just because a little robot and did whatever they told me too. To compensate for that, I was eating like crazy. I figured that was the one thing I could control. The funny thing was, it ended up controlling me. When I finally realized, in my early 30's, that I was my own person and could use my voice, I did. No longer do I let people tell me what to do. If I do not want to do it, I am not going too. Since my mind is set on this journey, you are not going to be able to stop me. I will have setbacks, but no stopping now.
So I guess, I have reached the end of this post for today. I am not finished by any means, but for today I am. I will leave you with this bit of inspiration. "You are your best thing." Toni Morrison. Remember peeps, and self, that you are beautiful, worthy, loved and capable and you are the best thing about you.
Peace out peeps. I got some inspiring to do.
"We gain strength, courage and confidence every time we look fear in the face. We must do that which we think we cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt. A couple of years ago, they sent a flyer around school for a free trial boot camp, not Camp Gladiator. Some coworkers said I should try it. I told them I was going to die if I did that. I was so out of shape that I could not possibly be able to take on something like that. While part of that was true, the real truth was that I was terrified of trying anything like that. I was afraid of what I would look like trying to do it and embarrassing myself. Funny, because these days, you cannot keep me away from camp.
"Don't give up the search for happiness because you're afraid of getting hurt." Martha Raye Where was this quote when I was younger? I lived in constant fear of getting hurt or rejected, so I just gave up trying. I was also brought up to believe that I was not good enough to be happy. Nothing I did was good enough or just "enough." I have since learned that was all a big lie. I can honestly say that I am happy. I have a great job, friends, family and support system around me. I am making myself a better person. Do I have down and sad days? Of course, but they are lessening and not nearly as severe as they used to be.
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." Ayn Rand Amen, amen, amen! If you know me, I mean truly know me, you know that once my mind is set, there is no going back. I did however spend a great deal of time in my life, hiding my true self because I let people influence and stop me. I was afraid of making them mad or disappointing them, so I just because a little robot and did whatever they told me too. To compensate for that, I was eating like crazy. I figured that was the one thing I could control. The funny thing was, it ended up controlling me. When I finally realized, in my early 30's, that I was my own person and could use my voice, I did. No longer do I let people tell me what to do. If I do not want to do it, I am not going too. Since my mind is set on this journey, you are not going to be able to stop me. I will have setbacks, but no stopping now.
So I guess, I have reached the end of this post for today. I am not finished by any means, but for today I am. I will leave you with this bit of inspiration. "You are your best thing." Toni Morrison. Remember peeps, and self, that you are beautiful, worthy, loved and capable and you are the best thing about you.
Peace out peeps. I got some inspiring to do.
Monday, September 1, 2014
What a last two weeks.
Ok, ok, I admit it. I am a stress eater. I try really hard to keep it under control, but the beginning of school always gets me. First, I have to sit in days worth of meetings and trainings. I am not used to this, I need to be active. I hate having to sit there and listen to other people tell me things that I may already know. Also, teachers are the worst students. They act in a way that you would never accept from a student. Second, these meeting make me tense and I just want to crawl inside my little turtle shell. Lastly, although I am fairly flexible and will go with the flow, I work with people who are not. The complaining really gets to me.
All of these things together, stress me out and I shove food down my mouth as quickly as I can. I always feel guilty about it afterward. It really makes me dislike myself when I do it. I feel as though I have failed somehow. I will even eat things that I don't like, with the exception of green beans, just to satisfy my need to eat. The sad thing is, if I was a drinker, I could hide that. If I was on drugs, I could hide that. As an eater, that I cannot hide. You can see it. People look down on you for that. It is sad that those vices are perceived as more acceptable than being heavy.
I was not able to work out as much as I would have liked this last week. I had work responsibilities that kept me from working out. I hated it. I miss my friends, I missed my trainer, and I missed the release of stress that comes over me when I work out. I will have to find someway to replace that when I cannot get to camp.
Lastly, sometimes I really don't like how people see me. I went on Saturday to two different sporting goods stores to buy new weights for camp. When a fluffy woman walks in , they don't want to help you and look at you like why are you here? I walked in and one guy said, they are over there. As I was walking over there, another employee acted shocked to see me in a store. What?!? Not everybody is a size 2. I cannot wait to go back there and have a Pretty Woman scene to all that wouldn't help me.
Okay enough venting. I am having a great first week of school. I am still trying to get back into the routine and learn all the kids names. I think some of them think I am a bit crazy, but that is a good thing right?
So I am going to try to stay as stress free as possible and keep from stress eating. I hope you will help to keep me accountable.
All of these things together, stress me out and I shove food down my mouth as quickly as I can. I always feel guilty about it afterward. It really makes me dislike myself when I do it. I feel as though I have failed somehow. I will even eat things that I don't like, with the exception of green beans, just to satisfy my need to eat. The sad thing is, if I was a drinker, I could hide that. If I was on drugs, I could hide that. As an eater, that I cannot hide. You can see it. People look down on you for that. It is sad that those vices are perceived as more acceptable than being heavy.
I was not able to work out as much as I would have liked this last week. I had work responsibilities that kept me from working out. I hated it. I miss my friends, I missed my trainer, and I missed the release of stress that comes over me when I work out. I will have to find someway to replace that when I cannot get to camp.
Lastly, sometimes I really don't like how people see me. I went on Saturday to two different sporting goods stores to buy new weights for camp. When a fluffy woman walks in , they don't want to help you and look at you like why are you here? I walked in and one guy said, they are over there. As I was walking over there, another employee acted shocked to see me in a store. What?!? Not everybody is a size 2. I cannot wait to go back there and have a Pretty Woman scene to all that wouldn't help me.
Okay enough venting. I am having a great first week of school. I am still trying to get back into the routine and learn all the kids names. I think some of them think I am a bit crazy, but that is a good thing right?
So I am going to try to stay as stress free as possible and keep from stress eating. I hope you will help to keep me accountable.
Peace out peeps. I hope you all have a great week. Me, I am going to keep moving forward and not looking back.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
My struggle with depression.
First, let me say that although I never knew Robin Williams personally, I thought he was a great actor. He made me laugh when I was a kid watching Mork and Mindy, and made me cry like a baby with Dead Poet's Society. Like Mr. Williams, I am a sufferer of depression. I have suffered with it since the age of 13. This blog is from my point of view and my experiences. I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. I can only speak for myself. Not everyone with depression is the same, nor do they all exhibit in the same way. this is just my way.
When I turned about the age of 13, I really became a different person on the inside. I started having my feelings of worthlessness. I have felt this way almost everyday of my life since. I know in my heart that I am not worthless, but sometimes it is hard to convince the brain. When people compliment me, it makes me uncomfortable. I will smile, nod, say thank you, or deflect by saying something else. The reason I do this is because I feel unworthy of having the compliment. I am working on this and trying to become better at accepting the compliment, but again it is hard to convince the brain.
One thing that I think people should know is that just because you are depressed, it does not mean that you are sad all the time. Yes there are MANY times when I am upset and cry. There are MANY times when I just want to crawl into a ball and stay under the covers. I have been working out and started crying while working out. I have been at work and started crying. With that said, I love to laugh and have fun. I can be the life of the party on occasion. My friends have made me laugh so hard I have turned purple. There is always that part of me behind the laughter and fun though that wants to stop it. I have to work very hard to put that in the back of my mind.
A major thing that happened to me as I got older is that I tried to combat the depression by overeating. It was how I tried to cope. Since I was spinning out of control on the inside, this was the one thing I thought I could control. The crazy thing was that the more I ate, the more out of control I got. This also made me more depressed. Vicious cycle I know. Because I have started my getting fitter, healthier and sexier journey, I cannot use food anymore. I now exercise. Maybe I have become addicted to exercise, but it is better for me than eating.
I also suffer from insomnia. While some who are depressed sleep all the time, I am the opposite. I have to sleep with the TV on in order for my brain to shut off. Even with that, I have not slept through the night in over 20 years. I will wake up several times and then have to go back to sleep. There are times when I am exhausted and cannot fall asleep for hours. Also there are times when I will fall asleep then wake up two hours later and be up the rest of the night. Everybody is different and how I show signs, may not be how you do it.
When I was younger I did have thoughts of suicide. I felt worthless, unloved and unlovable. I thought it would be much easier to just end it all. I truly thought nobody would miss me if I left the earth. I planned it out and knew how I was going to do it, but something stopped me. It could be God. It could be that I am a big coward. I don't know. I do know that at my deepest, darkest point, had I been determined, nothing would have stopped me.
A couple of things always bother me when talking to people about this. 1. They look me in the eye and tell me to get over it. Don't you think I would if I could? Do you really think that I want to have these thoughts and feelings? 2. If you prayed harder, God will take this from you. Really?!? I have prayed and I have a relationship with God. I do not think he has done this to me as a punishment that I need to ask forgiveness for. I am certain he is using this for some greater purpose. 3. It will get better. When you are in the very bottom of the pit, you see no way out. Telling me it will get better is like cutting my finger off and putting a band aid on it. It will not help.
I wear a mask everyday. I put on the mask that is happy and smiling. Sometimes that is a true mask and represents exactly how I am. Other times, it is a facade and I am just trying to hide the darkness that if brimming over the top. I have been told that I wear my emotions on my face, and that is probably true. If you see me and I seem down, ask me how I am. I will tell you how I am doing, probably. I don't need you to try and fix me, I just need you to be there to hold me up. I take medication to help combat my thoughts and it has helped tremendously. It does not stop the feelings from happening though. Understand that I am not a bad, crazy or sick person. I am just a person. I am a teacher, friend, sister, daughter, aunt and Gladiator. I will survive.
Peace out peeps.
When I turned about the age of 13, I really became a different person on the inside. I started having my feelings of worthlessness. I have felt this way almost everyday of my life since. I know in my heart that I am not worthless, but sometimes it is hard to convince the brain. When people compliment me, it makes me uncomfortable. I will smile, nod, say thank you, or deflect by saying something else. The reason I do this is because I feel unworthy of having the compliment. I am working on this and trying to become better at accepting the compliment, but again it is hard to convince the brain.
One thing that I think people should know is that just because you are depressed, it does not mean that you are sad all the time. Yes there are MANY times when I am upset and cry. There are MANY times when I just want to crawl into a ball and stay under the covers. I have been working out and started crying while working out. I have been at work and started crying. With that said, I love to laugh and have fun. I can be the life of the party on occasion. My friends have made me laugh so hard I have turned purple. There is always that part of me behind the laughter and fun though that wants to stop it. I have to work very hard to put that in the back of my mind.
A major thing that happened to me as I got older is that I tried to combat the depression by overeating. It was how I tried to cope. Since I was spinning out of control on the inside, this was the one thing I thought I could control. The crazy thing was that the more I ate, the more out of control I got. This also made me more depressed. Vicious cycle I know. Because I have started my getting fitter, healthier and sexier journey, I cannot use food anymore. I now exercise. Maybe I have become addicted to exercise, but it is better for me than eating.
I also suffer from insomnia. While some who are depressed sleep all the time, I am the opposite. I have to sleep with the TV on in order for my brain to shut off. Even with that, I have not slept through the night in over 20 years. I will wake up several times and then have to go back to sleep. There are times when I am exhausted and cannot fall asleep for hours. Also there are times when I will fall asleep then wake up two hours later and be up the rest of the night. Everybody is different and how I show signs, may not be how you do it.
When I was younger I did have thoughts of suicide. I felt worthless, unloved and unlovable. I thought it would be much easier to just end it all. I truly thought nobody would miss me if I left the earth. I planned it out and knew how I was going to do it, but something stopped me. It could be God. It could be that I am a big coward. I don't know. I do know that at my deepest, darkest point, had I been determined, nothing would have stopped me.
A couple of things always bother me when talking to people about this. 1. They look me in the eye and tell me to get over it. Don't you think I would if I could? Do you really think that I want to have these thoughts and feelings? 2. If you prayed harder, God will take this from you. Really?!? I have prayed and I have a relationship with God. I do not think he has done this to me as a punishment that I need to ask forgiveness for. I am certain he is using this for some greater purpose. 3. It will get better. When you are in the very bottom of the pit, you see no way out. Telling me it will get better is like cutting my finger off and putting a band aid on it. It will not help.
I wear a mask everyday. I put on the mask that is happy and smiling. Sometimes that is a true mask and represents exactly how I am. Other times, it is a facade and I am just trying to hide the darkness that if brimming over the top. I have been told that I wear my emotions on my face, and that is probably true. If you see me and I seem down, ask me how I am. I will tell you how I am doing, probably. I don't need you to try and fix me, I just need you to be there to hold me up. I take medication to help combat my thoughts and it has helped tremendously. It does not stop the feelings from happening though. Understand that I am not a bad, crazy or sick person. I am just a person. I am a teacher, friend, sister, daughter, aunt and Gladiator. I will survive.
Peace out peeps.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)