To say that the last two weeks has sucked, would be an understatement. I have not been this down in a long time. It was not really one thing, but a bunch of little things that led up to me having a melt down on Saturday.
When I was growing up, I was made to feel as though my feelings did not count. I would get in trouble if I cried, was scared, got angry. etc.... I was even told that just because I was a teenager, holding down a job, making straight A's and playing athletics, that I did not know the meaning of stress. When you tell your parent that you love them and you never hear it back, willingly, it can make you shut yourself off emotionally. That is what happened to me. I decided that since my feelings did not matter, I would not be allowed to feel them.
I sometimes come off as cold and uncaring to people. It is not that I did not feel sad or upset, I just did not allow myself to show it. I did not want to appear as a weak person. You see I was led to believe that showing emotion, of any kind, meant you were a weak person and I was supposed to be strong.
The problem was that it ended up coming out anyway as anger. I could get really angry really fast even if that was not what I was feeling. I could be dying inside, but could not let people see me cry, so I had to show it as anger. That is not a better way to do it and I am truly sorry for the people that I hurt out of anger. I just had no other way to show it.
As a fluffy person, I have had many episodes of hurt in my life. There have been many times I have been embarrassed because of my size. Ever gotten on an airplane and had people look at you like please do not sit next to me? Ever had to ask for a seat belt extender just so you can get in the seat. I cannot ride the rides at Six Flags anymore, because I was too big. As you know last year I decided to do something about it. I am not where I need to be, but I am farther than where I was.
About three weeks ago, I went to Austin to volunteer for CG Games. I had a blast and was very inspired to keep going. You would think that being with my people would be great. It was except for one person. Another friend and I were told to stand in one place and keep it clear of people for the relay switch. No big deal, I am used to herding large groups of people. One of the trainers, that I do not know, asked what we were doing. I told him and he kind of laughed and said, "Well these people are gladiators. I hope you can handle them." I looked at him and said what do you think I am? I am a gladiator too. He laughed and said "My bad." I mean really why else would I have driven to Austin to spend all day volunteering.
This week I made a mistake and was made to feel like a liar and an idiot. The mistake was not my fault, but I made it just the same. I cannot tell you how angry I was after that. I really just wanted to talk to the person and let them know exactly what I thought. I didn't though and just buried it down deep.
Saturday I got up and went to camp. I had a fabulous workout and was excited to try cryo therapy for the first time. We had to take our clothes off and put a robe on. I took all my clothes off and then put the robe on, it would not fit. This just brought back all sorts of hurts and pains. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and felt like a failure. I went and talked to some friends and it all just poured out. I was a crying mess when I left and then sat in the car and cried some more. It was all the strength I had been holding in that I had to let out.
I felt I was being a weak person allowing myself to cry. I talked to some friends and they told me that it was what I needed to get it all out. I saw a saying that means more now than ever now. "Crying does not make you weak. It just means you have been strong too long." That is so true. I can still be a strong woman and let my emotions out. I will not be fixed overnight, but I am working really hard on it. Please be patient as I am working it out.
Peace out peeps. I have a day off and I am going to work on myself, if the cat will let me.
Lamentations 3:22-24.
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