I have always been what I considered fluffy. Even when I was at my thinnest, size 8, I felt like I was an enormous cow. I know it is completely ridiculous, but it is the truth. Now, I would kill to be a size 8. You see even though I was athletic, active, smart and popular in high school, I always wanted something that I could not attain, perfection. This led to some of my self esteem issues. Even with friends who adored me, I always felt alone. When I got to college, I had to work full time and go to school full time. This did not leave much time to be active and so I gained lots of weight.
If I am being completely honest though, I think one reason that I gained so much weight is that I used it as a shield to protect me from people. It worked in a good and bad way. You see I am an introvert. This does not mean that I do not like people, or do not talk to people, I just feel better being inside my hamster ball. I love my friends and I love to laugh and have a great time, the problem lies when I have to go alone into groups of people. That is when I become a turtle so to speak. With the weight piling on, I felt secure that people could not get to me. It was like my armor in a way.
The thing is that it worked too well sometimes. Sad to say when some people see a fluffy person, they ignore, avoid, or disregard them. I am a person, I have feelings. I also have a wicked sense of humor once you get to know me. But if all you see is the outside, then you never get to know me. This led me to be alone for most of my adult life.
Up until last year, I did not wear bright colors. I did not want to draw attention to myself. I tried to blend into the background and be unseen. You see I was uncomfortable with myself. I did not like myself very much because of the weight I had piled on. It is hard to realize what it limits you to doing when you are big. Getting down in the floor takes effort, climbing anything scares me, and you get winded just walking in the store. I reached a point where I could not do it any more.
I used to never show my arms in public. They are flabby and covered in stretch marks. This used to really bother me. I guess I thought that if people saw my arms, they would think I was fat. Well I guess the rest of me did not say that just the arms. Since I have been on my journey to wellness, I let the arms fly. I have worked out in tank tops, worn sleeveless shirts, and my sundresses without a shrug. My arms are still flabby and they are still covered in stretch marks, but they are shrinking and I am developing muscles in them. Now I look at them as a badge of pride. Yes they are not going to be on the cover of any magazine, but they are mine. You either like them or you don't. Funny and true story. I had a student in the 6th grade that I really enjoyed, it was like we had the same sense of humor. Anyway when he was in the 8th grade, I was wearing a dress with a shrug on top. "Ms. Strickland, that is a lovely ensemble you have on." "Thanks, I wear the sweater because I have fat arms. I am trying to hide them." "You have lovely arms. Some people even like fat arms, they find them attractive." Nothing like a kid to change your view on something.
I guess my point is this, I am starting to become comfortable with myself. I am who I am and you can like it or not.
Peace out peeps. I am getting ready to take my arms to workout and let them feel the fresh air.
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