My struggle with depression.

First, let me say that although I never knew Robin Williams personally, I thought he was a great actor.  He made me laugh when I was a kid watching Mork and Mindy, and made me cry like a baby with Dead Poet's Society.  Like Mr. Williams, I am a sufferer of depression.  I have suffered with it since the age of 13.  This blog is from my point of view and my experiences.  I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV.  I can only speak for myself. Not everyone with depression is the same, nor do they all exhibit in the same way. this is just my way.

When I turned about the age of 13, I really became a different person on the inside.  I started having my feelings of worthlessness.  I have felt this way almost everyday of my life since.  I know in my heart that I am not worthless, but sometimes it is hard to convince the brain.  When people compliment me, it makes me uncomfortable.  I will smile, nod, say thank you, or deflect by saying something else.  The reason I do this is because I feel unworthy of having the compliment.  I am working on this and trying to become better at accepting the compliment, but again it is hard to convince the brain.

One thing that I think people should know is that just because you are depressed, it does not mean that you are sad all the time.  Yes there are MANY times when I am upset and cry.  There are MANY times when I just want to crawl into a ball and stay under the covers.  I have been working out and started crying while working out.  I have been at work and started crying.  With that said, I love to laugh and have fun. I can be the life of the party on occasion.  My friends have made me laugh so hard I have turned purple.  There is always that part of me behind the laughter and fun though that wants to stop it.  I have to work very hard to put that in the back of my mind.

A major thing that happened to me as I got older is that I tried to combat the depression by overeating.  It was how I tried to cope.  Since I was spinning out of control on the inside, this was the one thing I thought I could control.  The crazy thing was that the more I ate, the more out of control I got.  This also made me more depressed.  Vicious cycle I know.  Because I have started my getting fitter, healthier and sexier journey, I cannot use food anymore.  I now exercise.  Maybe I have become addicted to exercise, but it is better for me than eating.

I also suffer from insomnia.  While some who are depressed sleep all the time, I am the opposite.  I have to sleep with the TV on in order for my brain to shut off.  Even with that, I have not slept through the night in over 20 years.  I will wake up several times and then have to go back to sleep.  There are times when I am exhausted and cannot fall asleep for hours.  Also there are times when I will fall asleep then wake up two hours later and be up the rest of the night.  Everybody is different and how I show signs, may not be how you do it.

When I was younger I did have thoughts of suicide.  I felt worthless, unloved and unlovable.  I thought it would be much easier to just end it all.  I truly thought nobody would miss me if I left the earth.  I planned it out and knew how I was going to do it, but something stopped me.  It could be God. It could be that I am a big coward.  I don't know.  I do know that at my deepest, darkest point, had I been determined, nothing would have stopped me.

A couple of things always bother me when talking to people about this.  1. They look me in the eye and tell me to get over it.  Don't you think I would if I could?  Do you really think that I want to have these thoughts and feelings?  2.  If you prayed harder, God will take this from you.  Really?!?  I have prayed and I have a relationship with God.  I do not think he has done this to me as a punishment that I need to ask forgiveness for.  I am certain he is using this for some greater purpose. 3.  It will get better.  When you are in the very bottom of the pit, you see no way out.  Telling me it will get better is like cutting my finger off and putting a band aid on it.  It will not help.

I wear a mask everyday.  I put on the mask that is happy and smiling.  Sometimes that is a true mask and represents exactly how I am.  Other times, it is a facade and I am just trying to hide the darkness that if brimming over the top.  I have been told that I wear my emotions on my face, and that is probably true.  If you see me and I seem down, ask me how I am.  I will tell you how I am doing, probably.  I don't need you to try and fix me, I just need you to be there to hold me up.  I take medication to help combat my thoughts and it has helped tremendously.  It does not stop the feelings from happening though.  Understand that I am not a bad, crazy or sick person.  I am just a person.  I am a teacher, friend, sister, daughter, aunt and Gladiator.  I will survive.

Peace out peeps.