Ok, I fully admit that this weekend has been funky for me. While I love the holidays and all the music and movies, they always depress me. While I have had some wonderful and great holiday memories, I have had some horrible ones. This blog may step on some toes, but sometimes that is what it takes to heal.
My parents divorced when I was two years old. Looking back, my parents probably never should have married each other. Sorry but that is how I feel about it. While I am sure that my family loved me, I never really allowed myself to be loved. What I did feel was hurt, pain, and unworthiness. I have felt unworthy and unlovable for most of my life.
Did you know that words hurt? They do. What you may throw out as an off hand remark, can scar a person for life. ( I am ashamed that I have done this myself.) I have internal scars that go back as far as I can remember. I have scenes of my unworthiness that play like a movie in my head at all times. This is one reason why I cannot stand complete silence, that lets the movie play on full blast.
I think what hurts the most, is that when I told the person that your words have hurt me, they denied it. They told me 1. they never said it. or 2. to get over it. That may sound easy enough but here I am a 40 year-old woman and sometimes I am still a hurting 9 year-old little girl on the inside.
Because I felt unworthy of love, I shut myself off from those that loved me. I built walls like you would not believe. I swear I could have built the Great Wall of China in half the time. Because of those walls, I would not let anybody in to know the real me. Not my parents, not my friends, not even my beloved Papaw and Mamaw. I was not worthy of their love so I made sure I did not get it. Why was I unworthy, because I was told I was. That is why words hurt.
When I was 23 I went on the Walk to Emmaus. I found out that there are people just like me. I also found out that people will love me just as I am, fluffy rolls and all. It took almost 10 more years before I finally realized that because they love me, I can love myself. I was 33 years-old before I felt okay to love myself. That is so sad.
I am working everyday to love myself unconditionally. It is hard and it hurts. I feel more protected behind the walls. I do not like feeling vulnerable. It scares the beejeezus out of me. I am also working on watching how I talk to people. I admit my fluency in sarcasm has gotten me into trouble with kids who don't understand it, but I am working on it. I also let my students know that I am here if they need me. I cannot make them believe me, but I can be there for when they finally do.
You know I love music, especially after my last blog. Recently a song by Sara Bareilles called "Brave" came out. One day in the car I really listened to the words and I started to cry in the car. I think I am going to be braver from here on out. I am not going to let you hurt me anymore or allow myself to hurt me. So watch out world I am going to bravely roar.
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
Peace out Peeps. I have to be brave and tackle the world now.
P.S. If you are in Garland and you see a fluffy woman jogging, don't panic it's just me working on my JLO booty.
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