What a last two weeks.

Ok, ok, I admit it.  I am a stress eater.  I try really hard to keep it under control, but the beginning of school always gets me.  First, I have to sit in days worth of meetings and trainings.  I am not used to this, I need to be active.  I hate having to sit there and listen to other people tell me things that I may already know.  Also, teachers are the worst students.  They act in a way that you would never accept from a student.  Second, these meeting make me tense and I just want to crawl inside my little turtle shell.  Lastly, although I am fairly flexible and will go with the flow, I work with people who are not.  The complaining really gets to me.

All of these things together, stress me out and I shove food down my mouth as quickly as I can.  I always feel guilty about it afterward.  It really makes me dislike myself when I do it.  I feel as though I have failed somehow.  I will even eat things that I don't like, with the exception of green beans, just to satisfy my need to eat.  The sad thing is, if I was a drinker, I could hide that.  If I was on drugs, I could hide that.  As an eater, that I cannot hide.  You can see it.  People look down on you for that.  It is sad that those vices are perceived as more acceptable than being heavy.

I was not able to work out as much as I would have liked this last week.  I had work responsibilities that kept me from working out.  I hated it.  I miss my friends, I missed my trainer, and I missed the release of stress that comes over me when I work out.  I will have to find someway to replace that when I cannot get to camp.

Lastly, sometimes I really don't like how people see me.  I went on Saturday to two different sporting goods stores to buy new weights for camp.  When a fluffy woman walks in , they don't want to help you and look at you like why are you here?  I walked in and one guy said, they are over there.  As I was walking over there, another employee acted shocked to see me in a store.  What?!?  Not everybody is a size 2.  I cannot wait to go back there and have a Pretty Woman scene to all that wouldn't help me.

Okay enough venting.  I am having a great first week of school.  I am still trying to get back into the routine and learn all the kids names.  I think some of them think I am a bit crazy, but that is a good thing right?

So I am going to try to stay as stress free as possible and keep from stress eating.  I hope you will help to keep me accountable.

Peace out peeps.  I hope you all have a great week.  Me, I am going to keep moving forward and not looking back.

My struggle with depression.

First, let me say that although I never knew Robin Williams personally, I thought he was a great actor.  He made me laugh when I was a kid watching Mork and Mindy, and made me cry like a baby with Dead Poet's Society.  Like Mr. Williams, I am a sufferer of depression.  I have suffered with it since the age of 13.  This blog is from my point of view and my experiences.  I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV.  I can only speak for myself. Not everyone with depression is the same, nor do they all exhibit in the same way. this is just my way.

When I turned about the age of 13, I really became a different person on the inside.  I started having my feelings of worthlessness.  I have felt this way almost everyday of my life since.  I know in my heart that I am not worthless, but sometimes it is hard to convince the brain.  When people compliment me, it makes me uncomfortable.  I will smile, nod, say thank you, or deflect by saying something else.  The reason I do this is because I feel unworthy of having the compliment.  I am working on this and trying to become better at accepting the compliment, but again it is hard to convince the brain.

One thing that I think people should know is that just because you are depressed, it does not mean that you are sad all the time.  Yes there are MANY times when I am upset and cry.  There are MANY times when I just want to crawl into a ball and stay under the covers.  I have been working out and started crying while working out.  I have been at work and started crying.  With that said, I love to laugh and have fun. I can be the life of the party on occasion.  My friends have made me laugh so hard I have turned purple.  There is always that part of me behind the laughter and fun though that wants to stop it.  I have to work very hard to put that in the back of my mind.

A major thing that happened to me as I got older is that I tried to combat the depression by overeating.  It was how I tried to cope.  Since I was spinning out of control on the inside, this was the one thing I thought I could control.  The crazy thing was that the more I ate, the more out of control I got.  This also made me more depressed.  Vicious cycle I know.  Because I have started my getting fitter, healthier and sexier journey, I cannot use food anymore.  I now exercise.  Maybe I have become addicted to exercise, but it is better for me than eating.

I also suffer from insomnia.  While some who are depressed sleep all the time, I am the opposite.  I have to sleep with the TV on in order for my brain to shut off.  Even with that, I have not slept through the night in over 20 years.  I will wake up several times and then have to go back to sleep.  There are times when I am exhausted and cannot fall asleep for hours.  Also there are times when I will fall asleep then wake up two hours later and be up the rest of the night.  Everybody is different and how I show signs, may not be how you do it.

When I was younger I did have thoughts of suicide.  I felt worthless, unloved and unlovable.  I thought it would be much easier to just end it all.  I truly thought nobody would miss me if I left the earth.  I planned it out and knew how I was going to do it, but something stopped me.  It could be God. It could be that I am a big coward.  I don't know.  I do know that at my deepest, darkest point, had I been determined, nothing would have stopped me.

A couple of things always bother me when talking to people about this.  1. They look me in the eye and tell me to get over it.  Don't you think I would if I could?  Do you really think that I want to have these thoughts and feelings?  2.  If you prayed harder, God will take this from you.  Really?!?  I have prayed and I have a relationship with God.  I do not think he has done this to me as a punishment that I need to ask forgiveness for.  I am certain he is using this for some greater purpose. 3.  It will get better.  When you are in the very bottom of the pit, you see no way out.  Telling me it will get better is like cutting my finger off and putting a band aid on it.  It will not help.

I wear a mask everyday.  I put on the mask that is happy and smiling.  Sometimes that is a true mask and represents exactly how I am.  Other times, it is a facade and I am just trying to hide the darkness that if brimming over the top.  I have been told that I wear my emotions on my face, and that is probably true.  If you see me and I seem down, ask me how I am.  I will tell you how I am doing, probably.  I don't need you to try and fix me, I just need you to be there to hold me up.  I take medication to help combat my thoughts and it has helped tremendously.  It does not stop the feelings from happening though.  Understand that I am not a bad, crazy or sick person.  I am just a person.  I am a teacher, friend, sister, daughter, aunt and Gladiator.  I will survive.

Peace out peeps.

That bear crawl and what it taught me.

Let me start by saying I hate bear crawls.  Oh I don't mind one or two, but to bear crawl the entire length of the football field is something else all together. A week ago I did one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.  I bear crawled the length of a football field dragging a 50 pound weight behind me and I learned somethings while doing it.

1. I am stronger than I ever thought I was.  I am not just talking physically, but also mentally.  I really had to get out of my head and push through.  It was not easy and I hated every minute of it, but I did it.  My arms, legs, hips and shoulders were hurting pretty bad.  I could not breathe, sweat was dripping down into my eyes making it hard to see, but I did it.  They may not have been the prettiest bear crawls but I did them.

2.  I have a great support system around me. My trainer, Carrie Monroe, was the person timing me.  Did I forget to mention that we were being timed?  I am not sure that I could have done it for any other trainer but her.  She knows exactly how to push me to my limits.  She had me go for 15 seconds then rest for 5 seconds.  When I felt like giving up, she told me to keep going.  I had many friends who surrounded me and gave me encouragement to keep on crawling.  I could hear them telling me I could do it and I did it.  Truly without my support system, I would not be where I am now.  I was sure though that Rick was standing on the weight at the end.

3. I have come a long way baby.  If a year ago you had told me that I would be willingly doing this, I would have laughed in your face.  You see I hated how I was before and I wanted to be better, but I did not have the strength to do it.  I found the right people to help me and guide me to the place I need to be.  I am not there yet, but I am farther than I was before.  Next year when I do this again, I will murder that bear crawl.

4. I used to carry that weight all the time.  When you start dragging that weight, you can feel it pulling you down.  I have lost 50 pounds, so I used to carry that weight with me all the time.  The way that I felt while doing the bear crawl was how I used to feel all the time.  I hurt, couldn't breathe and struggled just to move.  I hated that I would walk from my classroom to the office and be so out of breath that I couldn't talk.  I could not climb stairs without having to stop. If I dropped anything on the floor, it was a struggle to pick it up and sometimes I just left it where it was.  As I crossed that finish line, dragging my past behind me, I decided to leave that 50 pounds on the field.  I am not picking it back up.  I have another 50 to go and I will get there.  Who knows next year maybe I will try to drag 100 pounds behind me.

Peace out peeps, I have some great things "weighting" for me.

It used to and I guess sometimes still does bother me.

I have always been what I considered fluffy.  Even when I was at my thinnest, size 8, I felt like I was an enormous cow.  I know it is completely ridiculous, but it is the truth.  Now, I would kill to be a size 8.  You see even though I was athletic, active, smart and popular in high school, I always wanted something that I could not attain, perfection.  This led to some of my self esteem issues.  Even with friends who adored me, I always felt alone.  When I got to college, I had to work full time and go to school full time.  This did not leave much time to be active and so I gained lots of weight.

If I am being completely honest though, I think one reason that I gained so much weight is that I used it as a shield to protect me from people.  It worked in a good and bad way.  You see I am an introvert.  This does not mean that I do not like people, or do not talk to people, I just feel better being inside my hamster ball.  I love my friends and I love to laugh and have a great time, the problem lies when I have to go alone into groups of people.  That is when I become a turtle so to speak.  With the weight piling on, I felt secure that people could not get to me.  It was like my armor in a way.

The thing is that it worked too well sometimes.  Sad to say when some people see a fluffy person, they ignore, avoid, or disregard them.  I am a person, I have feelings.  I also have a wicked sense of humor once you get to know me.  But if all you see is the outside, then you never get to know me.  This led me to be alone for most of my adult life.

Up until last year, I did not wear bright colors.  I did not want to draw attention to myself.  I tried to blend into the background and be unseen.  You see I was uncomfortable with myself.  I did not like myself very much because of the weight I had piled on.  It is hard to realize what it limits you to doing when you are big.  Getting down in the floor takes effort, climbing anything scares me, and you get winded just walking in the store.  I reached a point where I could not do it any more.

I used to never show my arms in public.  They are flabby and covered in stretch marks.  This used to really bother me.  I guess I thought that if people saw my arms, they would think I was fat.  Well I guess the rest of me did not say that just the arms.  Since I have been on my journey to wellness, I let the arms fly.  I have worked out in tank tops, worn sleeveless shirts, and my sundresses without a shrug.  My arms are still flabby and they are still covered in stretch marks, but they are shrinking and I am developing muscles in them.  Now I look at them as a badge of pride.  Yes they are not going to be on the cover of any magazine, but they are mine.  You either like them or you don't.  Funny and true story.  I had a student in the 6th grade that I really enjoyed, it was like we had the same sense of humor.  Anyway when he was in the 8th grade, I was wearing a dress with a shrug on top.  "Ms. Strickland, that is a lovely ensemble you have on."  "Thanks, I wear the sweater because I have fat arms.  I am trying to hide them."  "You have lovely arms.  Some people even like fat arms, they find them attractive."  Nothing like a kid to change your view on something.

I guess my point is this, I am starting to become comfortable with myself.  I am who I am and you can like it or not.

Peace out peeps.  I am getting ready to take my arms to workout and let them feel the fresh air.

Keep on trucking.

Hello Peeps, I am sorry I have been away so long.  The end of school was crazy for me and I have taken time to just relax.  Now down to business.

How have you spend your summer?  Well I have been working out in the heat and the sun.  I have also been walking with my buddies.  If you had told me a year ago, that I would WILLINGLY workout for an hour in the heat everyday, I would have said you are nuts.  I am doing it though and I love every minute of it.  I have a great support system and cheerleaders who keep me accountable and keep me motivated.

One problem I have with summer is that I get bored.  Don't get me wrong, I look forward to the end of school just like the kids, but I like and need the routine.  What happens is that when I am not in my routine, I get bored.  When I get bored I want to do one of two things: spend money or eat.  I am working very hard on both.  Since this blog is about my journey, I will talk about the food part.

Over the past year, I have learned new ways to eat.  It is not always easy and sometimes I go off the rails and cheat.  I feel pretty bad when I cheat while I am doing it and then after.  You see food has always been my friend.  It is hard to let go of that friendship. I am finding though that for the most part the foods that I used to crave, I don't anymore.  Also, I think about how hard I will have to work to get rid of what I have eaten.

When I get bored, I eat.  To help me with that part, I have started keeping fruit, yogurt, and healthier snacks in the house.  If I don't have the junk, I can't eat the junk.  I also drink lots and lots and lots of water.  You cannot snack doing that unless you want to snack in the bathroom. lol.

When I get bored, I exercise.  I know it is a shocker for those that know me, but I love to exercise now.  I still hate running, I have not gone crazy.  If it were not for exercise, I am not sure I could have made it this far.  I love CG!  I also love to go on walks with buddies.  It is great to be with a friend and walk and talk about your day.  I have seen ducks, snacks, scorpions, etc....  It is like a mini adventure each time.

Now I know you may be thinking that you are not fit enough to exercise.  HELLO!!!!!  That is how you get fit by exercising.  I cannot do everything.  I am slower than most in my group, but I AM OUT THERE!  I am doing it and getting faster, better, stronger, and sexier everyday.  You don't have to be great or in great shape, just start.

If you ever need someone to walk with, talk with or ask questions to, I am here.  I have been there, I am still there, and I will finish this race.

Peace out Peeps.  I have to get to bed early, I have great things to do tomorrow.

And so begins the next part of the journey.

Sorry peeps for taking this long to write again,  I have been busy, busy, busy.  Since writing I have had a birthday, had allergies attack, allergies attacked harder, lost my voice, given the STAAR test, and worked out.  One good thing from getting sick is that when I went to the doctor, my blood pressure was 108/62!  That's right, it was that low.  I know you are jealous.

Can I have a drum roll please?!?!  Okay I will drum roll myself.  I have now broken 300 pounds for good.  I  now weigh 295 pounds.  So I have hit two of my goals; 1. to be below 300 pounds and 2. to have lost 40 pounds.  I have lost 43.2 pounds so far.  On top of that, in the last six weeks, I lost 9.2 pounds and 7.2 pounds of that was pure fat.  That's right folks, I lost the weight of a newborn baby just in fat.

I am also dealing with stress so much better.  Before, when I was very stressed, I would eat anything and everything that you put in front of me.  I would eat an entire jumbo bag of M&M's.  I would eat anything deep fat fried and covered in gravy.  While I do still crave those things, I am not going to lie and say I don't, I do not result to that anymore.  I really love to exercise my stress off.  Please get up off the floor. It is true.  After a workout if I still feel stressed, I talk to someone, even if it is just by text messages.  It really helps to make me feel better.

I have to say this and be honest.  I hate to run, but I love to exercise.  I miss my workouts if I cannot go.  I miss my trainer, my friends, being outside with the grass and bugs.  I love it all.  If you had asked me 6 months ago if that was the case, I would have laughed in your face.  I am not perfect and I do not have all the answers.  I am just blogging about what has worked and is working for me.

My next goal I want to hit is 275, so I have 20 pounds to go.  I hope to hit that by the time school starts up in August.  I really want to walk into inservice and have show my coworkers that I:

Peace out peeps.  I am going home to rest up I have lots of outdoor activites to get in the weekend.  What will you be doing?

What a difference a decade makes!

Now that my birthday is fast approaching, I have looked back at where I have come from and it has been a crazy ride.
I remember my 30th birthday was spent at Ector Elementary School.  I came to work and there was a sign and balloons on my classroom door.They sang happy birthday to me over the intercom, the kids all wished my happy birthday and I had cake.  The year I turned 30 is also when I started to fall apart.  I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and started to take medicine.  I had been on anti-depressants for years before hand, so taking medicine was nothing new.  I have to admit it did scare me a bit.

A couple of years after that, I got the news that scared me.  I was told I had Type 2 Diabetes.  This added yet another medication to my list and a new lifestyle, in theory.  I admit that I made tons of mistakes and did not take care of myself like I should have.  I fully admit that I ate too much and all the wrong things.  I did not exercise at all.  My school at the time had stairs and sometimes I had to climb them to get places.  I hated that I had to wait at the top for a couple of minutes to catch my breath.  I was a complete wreck.

This went on for a couple of years.  I kept eating and not exercising.  I kept getting bigger and bigger.  I don't like to admit it, but I think I hated myself just a bit.  I had always used food as a comfort and friend.  I also blamed the food for making me fat.  The food did not make me fat, I did.  I made myself fat in an effort to crush the hurts that I had held inside for so long.

When I turned 40, I decided enough is enough.  The doctor, that I had had since I was at least 12, was not really working for me.  You had to wait for hours to get into the office, you never got a copy of your lab results, and heaven forbid if he prescribed you a new medication, because they would never let you know that you needed to take it.  I asked around school and go the name of a doctor.  I have to say that I love her.  I don't have to wait forever and I can even email her a question.  She, as you know, got me connected with TFN, and through her Camp Gladiator.

Let me tell you an honest answer, without all of those things happening, I would not be here today.  I have a great support system, that I did not have before.  I am changing my bad habits into good habits and actually look forward to sweating my buns off 4 days a week.  I have lost weight, gained muscle, made friends, made lifestyle changes, and I am becoming the true me that I hid under layers of fat and blubber.

It is not easy.  Sometimes it is not fun, like when I went to the hockey game and wanted a Nestle Tollhouse cookie so bad I wanted to cry.  It is all worth it though.  My only regret is that I did not start sooner.

Peace out peeps.  I have to go get ready to get my gladiator face on so I can take on the world.